#1
i wanna write a song, a song about a man,
a man who never belonged, dead the day his live began,
started out simple, a baby a mother a father,
labeled a bad apple, he was told he was a bother.

fourteen without a purpose,
fifteen almost an overdose,
sixteen not right in the head,
seventeen better off dead,

mentally unstable, thrown away
short from a label, there i stay
all sorts of new drugs, pump through veins,
a shattered mind is all that remains,

his mind once there, now just a haze,
in the name of science anything is just,
no one hears his despair, a rat in a maze,
100% compliance, shoot looks of disgust,

fourteen not a purpose,
fifteen almost an overdose,
sixteen not right in the head,
seventeen finally pulled ahead,

left the institute after 4 long years,
21 no education, robbed of time,
still border anti-social fears,
blame the nation, the systems a crime,

fourteen not a purpose,
fifteen almost an overdose,
sixteen not right in the head,
seventeen better off dead....
#2
dude... I nearly cried... and i never cry at sad stuff. Typically I laugh at sad movies.
I like to write, and support Chemistry For Improved Life.

Please, recommend me any bands or artists of any genre or medium. Paintings, poets, writers, books, paintings, songs, musicians.

Anything, anything at all. Please.
#3
lyrics look great. Especially the chorus. Giant congrats
Simon


You look just your mother...

You look just like your father...

Forgive him our father...



Your Son is smiling...
#4
"pump through veins"
deep. or maybe im just crazy. or know too many junkies.
i liked it. i didnt love it. but i liked it a lot.
gabbieRAMONE <3
she's a renegade princess.


"I guess I can go anywhere I want. If only I knew where to go." -layne thomas staley.
#5
Very nice song dude.... Keep writing!
Note: Sorry if my grammar and/or vocabulary isn't very good, English is my 2nd language!

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#7
Looking back at it again, I still love it, but what I would say is that it could sound quite awkward singing the bits for 14 then 15 because of the syllable difference and the way that they nearly rhyme, but don't quite. When I sing the lyrics to myself, there is definitely a tune, and it's very strong. But when I get to the 14 not a purpose bit, it doesn't quite fit. Instead, something that I found fit the tune very nicely was (although it involves a slight lyric switch):

Fourteen took an overdose
Fifteen was in comatose


And then the rest of the chorus is just mint and you should definitely keep that. It's just a suggestion, but I thought it would make the rhyme (and therefore the song) a bit stronger.
Simon


You look just your mother...

You look just like your father...

Forgive him our father...



Your Son is smiling...
#8
thanks for the crit everyone, yourmomsanemo i agree with you in the fourteen took an overdose, fifteen was in comatose. sounds a lot better, flows better
#9
I liked it, i was actually trying to write something similar...didn't work out too well, but u pulled it off very well, I liked it, not fully in love with it, but it had some flair. I wanna say that the genre it would fit best is punk rock, but maybe just because i read it like one...I really couldn't get a melody out of it, nothing seems to fit right for me...again maybe its me. btw, i agree with yourmomsanemo, the chorus sounds better with was in comatose rather than almost an overdose

crit for a crit?
anyone of my songs listed in my sig would be good
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