#1
Hello all. This is my first song posted on this website. It's for my band Acronikos. I'm not sure what its supposed to be about though. Please give me some constructive criticism and your interpretation of the song.
Also I usually hate rhyming in songs but I happened to rhyme the majority of it so please don't flame about a lame rhyme scheme.

Vespertine Silence:
(Verse 1)
As the sun starts to fall, the moon begins to rise
As shadows grow tall, the light meets its demise
Slowly I begin to realize
That what you wear is a clever disquise
And as I stare into those eyes
I can see the truth behind the lies.
(Chorus)
Just take me away
To a place
Where this silence can't be broken
Just take me today
Far away
Where no words will be spoken


thats it so far im working on a second verse, a breakdown, and a modified chorus for the end. I just want to hear some opinions before I continue. Any help will be much appreciated. Thanks in advance.
#3
Overall quite nice.
There are two points I have, however:

1) I realize you said not to mention the rhyming scheme but you also asked for some constructive criticism, and I believe strongly that it will help you rather than hurt you. You are actually pretty skilled with word choice as far as rhyming goes. I just think you should offset the rhymes a little bit, probably in the 3rd line. The word "realize" could easily be taken out, replaced with "see" or a word similar to it, and not damage the overall meaning of the song at all. Other than needing to do that, the rhyming is damn cool.
2) Spelling. Easily fixed. "Disguise" is the correct spelling to what you put as "disquise". But that was your only spelling mistake.

Overall, I like the idea of the song (although you say you haven't quite found it yet, it seems like you're getting somewhere.) This could turn out very well if you take a moment to think about the message you want to send with this song. Good luck with it!

It would be great if you could crit "Three" (found in my sig) and possibly "Clingy" but just one would be awesome. I always love to hear feedback from fellow writers. Anyway, good luck.


ALEX
#5
yes, poetry does not have to rhyme. its rare that i write a piece that rhymes. keep writing and you should begin to understand poetry for what it is....if that makes sense
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