#1
This is a poem I wrote about a year ago that I turned into a song.
If you crit this I'll crit up to 2 of your pieces, scout's honor.
If you want to listen to it, it's on my music myspace; the first track, "Three rough".
It's about a love triangle between people who started out as innocent childhood friends. If something seems confusing to you or you'd simply like to know what a line means, you can scroll down to past the poem and use my poem guide as a reference for lines you don't immediately get. Anyway, here it is:

"Fiber glass, broken through
Shattered jade cuts into blue
Locking eyes, I realize
That glass should not be tampered with
Only three stand on the porch
Sulking grand, a half-lit torch
Burns through night and day again
However faint, it's pretend
Walking off, we're down to two
Just you and I now, just me and you
Our sullen, damp, and quiet cave
Comfort shows across my face
I am (far) too early (far) too late
I turn around and I walk away
Only one remains of the unbreakable three"


If you're confused about the meanings of the lines, I can break it down for you:

"Fiber glass" describes a person's facial facade, "broken through" says the narrator "broke" past their friend's lying eyes. "Shattered jade" describes that the narrator is hurt about something concerning this person, and that the narrator has green eyes (and their "friend" has blue eyes.) "Locking eyes, I realize that glass should not be tampered with" shows the narrator's opinion on superficial people, and how dangerous it can be to see what's behind their mask. "Only three stand on the porch" shows that they are alone, and therefore are more likely to be honest with one another. Also, "porch" could be interpreted as a high school or college porch after class. "Sulking grand" describes how they act with one another; all trying to make the best of the situation; trying to hide themselves and make everything look better, but it's not working. "a half-lit torch Burns through night and day again
However faint, it's pretend" basically describes the same thing. The "torch" represents their anger. "walking off" etc. shows that the narrator apparently got what he/she wanted, because he/she and the person from the beginning of the poem are now alone, and they obviously let the 3rd person go. "Our sullen, damp, and quiet cave" describes their relationship of co-dependence: they are always alone together, even if others surround them. Even when they are fighting they cling to one another. "Comfort shows across my face. I am (far) too early (far) too late." shows that the narrator discovered something (e.g. symbolically "walked in" on something because they were "far too early") too late in the relationship to pull his/her heart out, but it also shows that he/she doesn't regret either the relationship or the possible end of it. Also shows control. "I turn around and I walk away...Only one remains of the unbreakable three" shows that a) the relationships with these people are over, both by choice and by fate, and b) that the narrator will always put himself/herself first if it really has to come down to it.


Thanks for reading, please crit this (or feel free to crit my song Clingy; it's in the sig) and I swear to crit at least one (maybe even 2) of your songs or poems.


ALEX
#2
Well this song is obviously very emotional and full of meaning. It's fantastic how you use metaphors such as the glass and the torch. I can't find any errors.

Overall I think its an excellent piece. I listened to it on your myspace and thought it was great. Well done and thank you for such a great crit on my piece.