#1
just felt like writng some scary messed up peice, crit4crit. its for a very instumental gothic symphonic prog metal sorta sound. all clean vocals

here is the breakdown of the song music wise.

Intro - soft slow melodic melody with a hint of mysticism.

Verse1 - Part 1 - Part 2 - heavy guitar, flying melody lines on key board, moderate speed

Chorus - The heavy hitter - fast

Music Break - a slow breakdown from loud and fast to slow and soft, almost as if a calming in the dream where everything holds still.

Verse 2 Part 1 and 2- soft and melodic, clean guitars, sounds very scary

Verse 3 Bridge - very mystical and slow, acoustic

Outro - Gradual build up to a heavy solo and reminescent of intro and chorus as in melodies

Satin Black Nightmare

Verse1 - Part 1
Close your eyes - time to say farewell to your mind.
Drowning in scenes of mellon collie and fatal fates.
You can't fight its current, streams of dread flowing down the mountain.

Part 2
Time to die - as they close the door and lock it tight.
Sinking in portraits of evil men and their twisted fates.
You can't fight the current of the dead rolling down the mountainside.

Chorus
It's a Satin Black Nightmare - The devils dream - The hellish scream.
Reigning down tyranny over every soul, Raining blood by the bucketload.
It's a Satin Black Nightmare - The saddest plea - The raging sea.
It's the beggining of the The End.

Music Break

Verse2 - Part 1
Am I alive? I feel like I've witnessed hell through a dream.
A glimpse of it was enough to make my soul plea for forgiveness,
How could one ever recover from such a horror?

Part 2
It struck me - just like the striking of a flame I sparked with revelation.
The reality of this illusion is the link between what I am and what I've always been,
I can't run away from the reality of who I really am.

Chorus
It's a Satin Black Nightmare - The devils dream - The hellish scream.
Reigning down tyranny over every soul, Raining blood by the bucketload.
It's a Satin Black Nightmare - The saddest plea - The raging sea.
It's the beggining of the The End.

Verse 3/ Bridge
Resting upon the bed of soft illusions I've decided to let everything go,
Forgive my sins against myself and move on in this life,
For never again shall I lift up the edge of my knife.

Intrumental Outro
Last edited by AgainsTheMirror at Jul 19, 2007,
#2
Dude one of the best pieces i have seen in days thnk you for that....you have nice imagary,nice word use, great writing,and you make a great song all together nice job man
9.3/10
#3
Quote by AgainsTheMirror
just felt like writng some scary messed up peice, crit4crit. its for a very instumental gothic symphonic prog metal sorta sound. all clean vocals

Satin Black Nightmare

Verse1 - Part 1
Close your eyes - time to say farewell to your mind.
Drowning in scenes of mellon collie and fatal fates.
You can't fight its current, streams of dread flowing down the mountain.

"Fatal Fates" and "Streams of Dread" doesn't sit right, IMO. Maybe a little rewording here? Good intro though. Original and intriguing.

Part 2
Time to die - as they close the door and lock it tight.
Sinking in portraits of evil men and their twisted fates.
You can't fight the current of the dead rolling down the mountainside.

Good sense of rhythm and imagery here. "Sinking in protraits" seems off, though. I get what you're saying, but I think you can make it more effective.

Chorus
It's a Satin Black Nightmare - The devils dream - The hellish scream.
Reigning down tyranny over every soul, Raining blood by the bucketload.
It's a Satin Black Nightmare - The saddest plea - The raging sea.
It's the beggining of the The End.

Haha. I liked this a lot. Only nit pick here is the insert of "raging sea". You could keep it, but it seems out of place with the rest of the Chorus. Meh, could just be me.

Music Break

Verse2 - Part 1
Am I alive? I feel like I've witnessed hell through a dream.
A glimpse of it was enough to make my soul plea for forgiveness,
How could one ever recover from such a horror?

I don't know how your music sounds so this might be a waste of writing, but through simply reading I couldn't grasp a good flow here.

Part 2
It struck me - just like the striking of a flame I sparked with revelation.
The reality of this illusion is the link between what I am and what I've always been,
I can't run away from the reality of who I really am.

A bit blunt but okay.

Chorus
It's a Satin Black Nightmare - The devils dream - The hellish scream.
Reigning down tyranny over every soul, Raining blood by the bucketload.
It's a Satin Black Nightmare - The saddest plea - The raging sea.
It's the beggining of the The End.

Verse 3/ Bridge
Resting upon the bed of soft illusions I've decided to let everything go,
Forgive my sins against myself and move on in this life,
For never again shall I lift up the edge of my knife.

My least favoourite part of the lyric. Seems forced, and jsut doesn't have the same affect your previous verses did.

Intrumental Outro


Overall I thought it was quite well written, lots of good imagery, and generally a good sense of rhythm. A bit of re-phrasing and this could be much better.
Thanks for the crit on mine. See you around.


#4
loved it! incredible wording, really puts you into the speaker's perspective. one problem i found:
Close your eyes - time to say farewell to your mind.
Drowning in scenes of mellon collie and fatal fates.
You can't fight its current, streams of dread flowing down the mountain.


the word in line 2 is actually melancholy, unless you were referring to fruity dogs, in which case, my bad.

excellent song though.
#5
Verse1 - Part 1
Close your eyes - time to say farewell to your mind.
Drowning in scenes of mellon collie and fatal fates.
You can't fight its current, streams of dread flowing down the mountain.

This is pretty good. But it is melancholy, not melon collie.

Part 2
Time to die - as they close the door and lock it tight.
Sinking in portraits of evil men and their twisted fates.
You can't fight the current of the dead rolling down the mountainside.

The last line seems awkward. The rest is good.

Chorus
It's a Satin Black Nightmare - The devils dream - The hellish scream.
Reigning down tyranny over every soul, Raining blood by the bucketload.
It's a Satin Black Nightmare - The saddest plea - The raging sea.
It's the beggining of the The End.

Awesome, the rhyming is brilliant, and the word choice is great.

Music Break

Verse2 - Part 1
Am I alive? I feel like I've witnessed hell through a dream.
A glimpse of it was enough to make my soul plea for forgiveness,
How could one ever recover from such a horror?

I can't see this being sung at all. There is no rhyming in this part, whereas in the other verses there is.

Part 2
It struck me - just like the striking of a flame I sparked with revelation.
The reality of this illusion is the link between what I am and what I've always been,
I can't run away from the reality of who I really am.

This is all really, really well written. But as a song? I can't see it. Maybe if i heard it...

Chorus
It's a Satin Black Nightmare - The devils dream - The hellish scream.
Reigning down tyranny over every soul, Raining blood by the bucketload.
It's a Satin Black Nightmare - The saddest plea - The raging sea.
It's the beggining of the The End.

Verse 3/ Bridge
Resting upon the bed of soft illusions I've decided to let everything go,
Forgive my sins against myself and move on in this life,
For never again shall I lift up the edge of my knife.

Not the strongest ending [last line] but still better than some.



Great job. I can't see all of it being sung though. Crit mine?

Hollow,
or Dreams Will Not.... etc.

In my sig.

thanks
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#6
I think it's alright, but the chorus and the second part of the second verse really stand out among the rest of the piece. I think those two parts are worded brilliantly, and all the other parts look a lot weaker in comparison. I'd rework the piece but leave those parts, paying careful attention in the other stanzas to bring in the imagery and diction you brought to the chorus and verse two. Good work.
Drop another coin in the slot, and I will tell you more...
#8
I don't know. For me it kinda seems like it wants to be all bad, but sophisticated at the same time, so it looks either too sophisticated to be bad, or too bad to be sophisticated. Know what I mean? Like the line "Time to die" just sounds a bit blunt. But maybe it's just me; I might still like it if I heard it.
#9
"It's a Satin Black Nightmare - The devils dream - The hellish scream."

Great line man. Generally I like it, but I think you used the word "fate" too many times in the first a second verse, got a bit boring. I dig it generally but I can't really imagine it too well without the music because of the lack of rhyme.

I like it though man, good writing.

(feel free to crit one of myn if you're bored)