#1
i'll return your critiques.


well i'm sitting here alone
because it still doesn't feel like home
i've been here so long
you'd think i'd be a little settled in

i need somebody to talk to me
i need someone to tell me the place to be
so i can show up late
and let down somebody new

so why are you always running away
i just want you to stay
just stay with me for one more day
you're always leaving me in dissaray

but the heart of the matter
is all this inaudible cling and clatter
running from solitude
so i can hear your voice

so why are you always running away
i just want you to stay
just stay with me for one more day
you're always leaving me in dissaray
#2
a bit confusing rhyme scheme, but
it's simple but effective. try making
the rhyme scheme more consistent
and you got yourself a good song.
#3
the whole point of a not so basic rhyme scheme is to mix it up a little bit. i get sick of writing everything in ABAB so i tried AABC and then the chorus is all the same. it sounds good when sung the way i have it planned out.

anybody else?
#5
if its more of a harder rock sound... personally i'd try to lose a bit of the rhyming, at least lessen the amount of it. some stanzas are completely together, others are completely, well, not. in my personal style, i don't rhyme very much, because i believe that most rock songs don't need that rhythmic additive. the guitars/bass/drums/vocals should carry the song without. so the following is how i would change it to remove the rhyming a little bit...along with other changes that i think would help (changes are in red)


well i'm sitting here alone
still doesn't feel like my home
and i've been stuck here for so long
should be more settled in by now

i need someone to talk to me
someone to tell me where to be
so i can show up late
and let down somebody new

^^this whole stanza contradicts itself and doesn't really make sense...

so why are you always running away
i just want you to stay here with me
one more day, please i'm begging
always confused when you're gone


but the heart of the problem is
all the inaudible cling and clatter
running away from inevitable solitude
so i can hear your voice calling out to me


so why are you always running away
i just want you to stay here with me
one more day, please i'm begging
always confused when you're gone


just a few helpful hints. in my changes, i tried to keep the same basic idea that i thoght you were tryin to get across. good luck in the future!
#6
I tried switchin up my rhyme scheme and structure once...it ended somewhat badly, but evryone still loved it, so yea, If it works out when sung, then good job, otherwise, on paper, it doesn't look all that well done, but again, if it works for u, then great

crit for a crit?
pic a song in my sig if u would, I'd appreciate it
My guitars:

Ibanez RG5EX1
Eleca Dread Acoustic
Dean ML

My FX: Line 6 Floor POD Plus

In the end, fact means nothing,
its all about perspective
#7
thanks especially to sweetlew with those suggestions. its more of an acoustic sound that i was aiming for. I'm going to continue working on this one... i think its got potential to be something i really like.

anybody else?