#1
I've always wanted to write a novel, so tonight I - somewhat arbitrarily - opened up Microsoft Word and just started typing a quick first draft of a possible beginning for a novel. I'd tell you what I intend for the rest of the plot, but really I'd prefer the feedback of unhindered first-impressions.

So, without further ado:


. “Slight mental retardation. It’s mild, but enough to make school somewhat of a struggle for her.”
. “She’s… defective?”
. “Oh my, no. Your daughter’s just slightly developmentally disabled. She can still live life as a normal girl, though. She can have a great life. Maybe just put some extra attention into her language development; maybe contact a speech therapist or –”
. “So dealing with her condition is going to be expensive.”
. “Well, your daughter may require some extra sacrifices, but I’d think –”
. “I’ve heard enough.”
. “She’s still young, though. She’ll be turning two soon, so you and your wife have been wise to start her speech training as –”
. “I’ve heard enough.”

***

. “Goddammit. Your child’s retarded, Irene. Two dead fetuses, and now a goddamn retard. Do you know how much she’s going to cost us?”
. “I’m sorry, Clark. I didn’t mean it to happen.”
. “Shut up. I’m not paying a dime for her goddamn special needs.”
. “So…what do you plan to do?”
. “I’ll think of something later. I’m going out tonight. I’ll tell you tomorrow morning.”

***

. “She’s staying in her bedroom. She’s not leaving it, not for nothing. Feed her enough to live, but don’t waste any more of our money on that demon.”
. “You mean…keep in her bedroom…all the time?”
. “Oh for God’s sakes, don’t try to soften this. I’m locking that goddamn baby in her bedroom until she gets old enough for me to kick her out.”
. “What are you going to tell John? He’ll want to know about his little sister...”
. “Tell him he’s forbidden to go into her room, and if I find him talking to her, I’ll lash him myself. He knows which belt I’ll use. He knows it goddamn well.”
. “Are you sure you want to do this? If deputies find out, we’re fucked.”
. “I’ll bar the window later this afternoon.”

***

. Susan had a new sleeping friend that night. Rope.
. Tied to the demattressed wooden base of her crib, she stared upwards at the ceiling. Only twenty months old, she wouldn’t be conceptualizing any philosophical thoughts, but she was old enough to know that this new sleeping accompaniment of rope and sleeping deprivation of a mattress presented discomfort. It was too dark for her to see the blood outlining her ankles, thighs, and wrists, but the scabs would produce decent testimony the following morning.

***

[etc.]


So, I'd really appreciate honest feedback. Personally, I think the writing style might be a little too stale, and this would definitely be a turn-off for most readers. The rest of the plot would be much more "organic" than this introductory text, but that means nothing if a reader were to stop reading the story after the first page.
#2
jeez thats quite harsh dont u think....i mean good writing style...but very depressing
Quote by qotsa1278
If there was no school, we would all be naked, throwing poop, and raping everything. Although some would say that would be a better life. But society shuns those people and calls them "people from Jersey".
#3
But it's based on a true story (no hyperbole at all), so it seems all right.


Was it interesting to read, or was the writing style too bland?
#4
not bland at all...really interesting
Quote by qotsa1278
If there was no school, we would all be naked, throwing poop, and raping everything. Although some would say that would be a better life. But society shuns those people and calls them "people from Jersey".
#6
yeah, this is extremely interesting, a little demented, but completely original to my eyes. I like your writing style alot. What's the true story it's based on?
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#7
This is very powerful, simply because of how disturbing it is. There is a good introduction to characters, as I already know who I should direct my hatred at. Interesting point-form plotting too, gives me some ideas. Good luck with the rest of your best selling novel.
#8
Wow, the responses so far are very different from what I was expecting. o.O

Thanks for the feedback, though I'm still waiting for someone perhaps a bit more critical who can point any any specific things I could improve.

Anyways, the story's directly inspired by the story of Susan Wiley: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genie_%28feral_child%29
#9
OMG....this is incredible my friend...

The true story is horrible......

I don't find the writing style stale at all....

i'd love to see where you are going with it
Quote by dumps

...erm lets see...what did i do... you know the holes in the side of shoe boxes? i put my flaccid dick in one, then started to get a hardon, and the box got stuck on my dick, i had to tear it off (the box, not my penis.)

each It)
#10
this is seriously screwed up (by that, i mean the peoples' reactions to the news, and what they say etc). but it's very powerful. very good writing. since you're looking for particular things to change, try brushing up the bit about lashing the boy. it seems a little cliche, it should be shorter, and hit you in the face like the rest of the piece/story. but overall it was very well done.
peace.
#11
Very sharp writing, interesting as well, its got me hooked!

i agree in some ways with samoo, for something to be as shocking it may be better to either be more descriptive or simply find an alternative route of punishment. Then again, lashing is something that a lot of people have experienced and therefor may relate to. (Depending on your generation of course)

My only other crit is that occasionally the dialogue becomes a little...acted. If that makes sense, for example

“Oh for God’s sakes, don’t try to soften this.
is fine

I’m locking that goddamn baby in her bedroom until she gets old enough for me to kick her out.”
feels a little like you had to make your point and rush it. Its too...abrupt. Too simple. im sorry i'm not being much use at the moment, i shall return to this tomorrow morning before work and see what else i can offer.

crit for crit?

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#12
so, i was wondering if you've made anything more of this? continued from it or anything?
#13
Ah, not yet. Been insanely busy with homework so I haven't had time to write. ><


Hopefully after Thursday I'll have some time to continue.
#14
i'll look forward to reading more. this was part of the inspiration for the piece i started working on today.