#1
SORRY FOR NOT READING THE RULES, here it goes again.

anyways i have been writing for a few months now but never posted.

I wrote this last night when i was drunk and could feel my life spinning out of control.

Its not finished but give me some critique, the good and the bad... if any good lol.


New moon. Rising. The sun must sleep again.
Caught in a web of daydreams and nightmares.
We can't stop, Our classic country swagger.
There is. Nothing. here but ourselves.
The Valley and Mountain, have something in common.
They both must, run and hide from the sea.


There are six shades, of gray in the concrete.
Lost between, Our supernatural selves.
Take the grace, rise up from the ocean.
Trap yourself, in the fate of the forgotten.

Anyways that was a verse and chorus, i will be working on another verse and a different chorus but yeah just throwing it out see what you guys think...
take care
GO Islanders!

J!E!T!S! JETS JETS JETS!!!!!
#2
i think u used a little to many commas unless thasts how you want it to sound, i think itd e better with less of em, i find the pauses unnecessary, besides this the peice is a great peice of writing and ideas. if you could find the time maybe you could crit one of mine, preffered would be The Illusionist Part 1 - in my sig
#3
It's nice, I'd like to hear the music and vocals to it, and see how it works. My only negative about this is that it is all imagery, or near, and it seems very story book ish, and if thats what you wanted great job.