#1
crit4crit
THE GOLDEN CHARIOT

I rode a golden chariot
Which was envied by the sun
Towards Alexandria
To blessed with her wisdom
Although I studied scrolls
Covering endless miles
None could surpass the insight
Of the last prophet's child

Seated at the right hand of God
He deciphered my visions
Aware that the dreams of Eden
Concealed my confessions
Even among angels and saints
There were none who were wiser
Than the one who was Heaven-sent
And my closest advisor


Through hail he carried me past
Eternal moments of winter
So I would not touch the numbness
Of waiting for frostbite burns
But when the icicles fell down
I chose to throw him away
Forgetting his benevolence
And never giving him thanks

Oh how I long to return to
The spirit above the cherubim
I'll drag you out of the bygones
And we'll ride the golden chariot
Last edited by themarsvolta at Jul 24, 2007,
#3
ppretty creative and nicely put together but i do think you should tweak some part alittle but over it is prefecyt man great job
#4
THE GOLDEN CHARIOT

I rode a golden chariot
Which was envied by the sun
Towards a council of sages
To blessed with their wisdom
Although I studied scrolls
Covering endless miles
None could surpass the insight
Of the last prophet's child

This is awesome. Except [IMO] for the sage line. Too childish and this is going to sound stupid, but I thought of Runescape the moment I read it.

Seated at the right hand of God
He deciphered my visions
Aware that the dreams of Eden
Concealed my confessions
Even among angels and saints
There were none who were wiser
Than the one who was Heaven-sent
And my closest advisor

Perfect. This is just incredible. It doesn't even come across as particularly religious which is even better.


Sacrificing his life for mine
Asking nothing in return
Through hail he carried me past
Eternal moments of winter
But when the icicles fell down
I chose to throw him away
Forgetting his benevolence
And never giving him thanks

The first two lines are really cliche. Everything else is great.

Oh how I long to return to
The spirit above the cherubim
I'll drag you out of the bygones
And we'll ride the golden chariot

Awesome vocab. and it doesn't sound forced at all. Perfect, again.


Awesome man, really awesome. Crit mine? Either of the last two in my sig, preferably the 'dreams' one.

Thanks.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#5
thanks for your crit...i'm not sure i could help you very much, this writing is really good.

but i'll try...

i didn't like the sages part...it' made me think of zelda

hmm...i thought their would be more i didn't like about it...but there's not

sorry, but this piece gives me a great example of great writing, it gives me a goal of sorts...so thanks for that

great piece