#1
I wrote this this morning at 1 am. It's a little rough but you get the picture.


Life, meaningless shell,
Outer body, no thoughts
darkness, surrounding evils.
Spiteful words shared between friends
who are foes.

Existence blackened.
Lights of staring eyes,
closing off one by one
Until nothing, not even a glance.

Onlookers query, the empty shell
of the once human boy
claiming love, seeking for anything
someone who knew.
Understanding. Compassion,
a partner.

Seeking for years. No avail.
Shattered dreams and promises torn
The heart has been trod on once too many
Never again, opening to life.
Time to say goodbye.
I hate my username, it all happened in a rush


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#3
Of course it is not a song. It a free verse poem.

The easiest type of poem to write. No rhyming structure.
I hate my username, it all happened in a rush


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#4
Very nice poem Cam.
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#5
Life, meaningless shell,
Outer body, no thoughts
darkness, surrounding evils.
Spiteful words shared between friends
who are foes.

This, and I will be honest, didn't really spark my interest. There are too many comma's for my liking, and the whole 'dark' and 'evil' thing isn't up my ally.

Existence blackened.
Lights of staring eyes,
closing off one by one
Until nothing, not even a glance.

I like this. Much better.

Onlookers query, the empty shell
of the once human boy
claiming love, seeking for anything
someone who knew.
Understanding. Compassion,
a partner.

Why is there a comma in the first line? It works perfectly without one. And the third and fourth lines don't really make sense together. But I like the idea.

Seeking for years. No avail.
Shattered dreams and promises torn
The heart has been trod on once too many [times?]
Never again, opening to life.
Time to say goodbye.

This is pretty good, but the last line could be stronger, and it is a wee bit cliche.


This was a good effort. Not the best thing I have read by you by any means. It could be great if you worked on it a bit.

Crit mine? Either of the last two in my sig. [Preferably the 'dreams' one] Thanks.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.