#1
Not my best work. Probably one of my more pretentious.

Crit for crit. Thanks in advance.

(It was written as part of a song, not as a poem.)
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I am standing on the edge of night
And I’m praying for redemption
There’s no one here to hear my plea
I am totally alone.

The freight train’s whistle, cold and sharp
In the distance dimly calling
The snow falls on the stockyard fence
The snow falls soft and cold.

Cause I want to stand forever in this place
I want to stand forever
Cause I want to see a human face
I want to see myself in you

We are standing on the brink of night
A night so dark and endless
We are standing on the sands of time
And time is running out.

We are lonely in our mansion homes
We are lost in all our knowledge
We want nothing, but we need until we bleed
And we wonder what is wrong.

Cause I want to stand forever in this place
I want to stand forever
Cause I want to see a human face
I want to see myself in you

We are walking in our waking sleep
We are blinded by our meanings
We are islands unto ourselves, alone
And we cannot stop our fall.

We are kings of all that we survey
We are slaves to isolation
We are standing on the futile glorious peak
Of the empire of the mind.
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Quote by Jackal58
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Last edited by JoHNNERz at Jul 25, 2007,
#3
I really enjoyed reading this piece.. The second stanza was my favorite because that one painted a scene. I also thought that saving the rhyming for the chorus was a nice technique. The second the last line of the song needs to be cut down. Maybe it works when it's sung, but I paper it's too long. I suggest cutting out the word "glorious".Also the "we want nothing but we...." line is also too long. Maybe change it to "We want nothing but we need it all" or "We want nothing but we need the world. Also drop the "alone" in the "we are islands" line. Anyways, I thought this piece was excellent and I hope to read more from you.

Crit mine please
Thorns