#1
Here's a 1st draft stream of consciousness poem.

Burning the wise men
Who consume your everything
I escape into your soul to
Erect my kingdom
Do not expect great things
Hope always corrupts us
From within
Ghostly images fused into your
Mind, they haunt the corridors of time
But fear not the consequences
Of the past
For the future holds infinite
Possibilities
Quote by FrenchyFungus
Hey y'all!!! Me and my friend were over at her house. I we were wonder what guys think when they see a hot girl at the mall or whatever walk by. (We're both pretty as y'all would say "blonde" sometimes).


Quote by rabidguitarist
I just look like some homo.
Last edited by yoshixxx7 at Jul 26, 2007,
#2
It's okay. I don't really like the way you phrased it, but it's still a good piece. The ending's nice and I really like the "I escape your soul" line. The last part of it seemed to hold a bit of a rhyme and I think it would've been great if you could've carried that through the rest of the piece.

Overall, it was okay. NOt my style, but still good.

Crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=635852
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#3
erect my kingdom
sorry
You are not your job.
You're not how much money you have in the bank.
You're not the car you drive.
You're not the contents of your wallet.
You're not your fucking khakis.
You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.