#1
If a man could stand on the highest point of a mountain
And command the rocks to bring him higher
And prolong his simple death with each thin breath
And throw off the tide with each sucking struggle
And watch as his goose bumps become stones
And become immune to the frigid air and soaking clouds
And close his eyes as he emerges from the choking blanket
And each breath becomes softer
And each blink becomes longer
And each bird flies lower
And each god becomes lesser
And each wave strikes harder
And all the power of the sun focuses on his half-closed eyes
And the land below becomes colder
And his corneas melt into stars
And a supernova of life and death freezes mid-explosion
And the gods become lesser,
Would we care about very much at all?
#6
If a man could stand on the highest point of a mountain
And command the rocks to bring him higher

Great start, reminds me of Moses a bit. [lol?] You know, the Jesus Moses.

And prolong his simple death with each thin breath

Great rhyming, extremely intelligent as well, really got me thinking.

And throw off the tide with each sucking struggle
And watch as his goose bumps become stones

^That's the only line i dislike so far, doesn't make much sense [at least to me] and you have already used the idea of stones [rocks]

And become immune to the frigid air and soaking clouds
And close his eyes as he emerges from the choking blanket

'choking blanket' seems weird, and it throws off the meter.


And each breath becomes softer
And each blink becomes longer
And each bird flies lower
And each god becomes lesser
And each wave strikes harder
And all the power of the sun focuses on his half-closed eyes

Flawless. The flow here is incredible. Stunning.

And the land below becomes colder
And his corneas melt into stars
And a supernova of life and death freezes mid-explosion
And the gods become lesser,
Would we care about very much at all?

Genious. L3 is one of the best things I have ever read. Just the last line seems awkward, could have done with some slight rhyming i thought maybe.



This was brilliant. Crit mine? Feather, link is in my sig.

Thanks.
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#8
You have used some wonderful imagery

And a supernova of life and death freezes mid-explosion

love that line so much
I also like the repetition of the AND at the start of all the lines.. Sorry not to be more consturctive, but i cannot see anything worth changing.. A top notch work.. Keep writing mate!
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