#1
hmmm.... i wrote this song in email when the forums were down...... but i lost it... so i'm reeling in what i can remember and adding new ideas. Its influenced by Egyptian themes. Leave a link - Crit4Crit

Verse ( normal tempo, fast guitars, keyboard melodies )
Sing me your lullaby, and place the golden coins over my eyes.
The evil that surrounds me has finnaly wrapped thy with snake bites.
The traitors shall pay, for my soul will never rest.
The Serpent of The Fallen Forever Feeding Upon The Flesh.

Pre-chorus ( In a God-Like Tone - Almost Pychedlic )
Never Shall They Rest - The Traitors They Shall Pay - Bleeding Under The Scorching Sun Until The End Of Days

Chorus ( a very rythmic beat conversing with the lyrics )
Can you feel it? The venom seeping through your veins?
The never ending rythm of the gods plucking at the strings of pain.
Can you see it? The bodies sleeping upon your name?
The never ending beat of their hearts pounding on the door of shame.

Breakdown ( soft, slow, melodic, )
I can remember being a child playing in the river,
poking fun at the morning sun beneath the shade of the trees.
Such a bright smile adorned my face as I watched the ships venture over the horizon,
Wondering what lay on the other side, and now that I know I'd rather beleive the lie.

Short Instrumental ( Builds Up Louder and Faster )

Pre-chorus ( In a God-Like Tone - Almost Pychedlic )
Never Shall They Rest - The Traitors They Shall Pay - Bleeding Under The Scorching Sun Until The End Of Days

Chorus ( a very rythmic beat conversing with the lyrics )
Can you feel it? The venom seeping through your veins?
The never ending rythm of the gods plucking at the strings of pain.
Can you see it? The bodies sleeping upon your name?
The never ending beat of their hearts pounding on the door of shame.

Verse 2
Stop playing innocent, I'm well aware of your crimes.
The evil surrounding your hearts has led you to take their lives.
Their souls shall be saved - They deserve their final rest.
The Servants of the Fallen Forvever Feeding Upon The Flesh.

Pre-chorus ( In a God-Like Tone - Almost Pychedlic )
Never Shall They Rest - The Traitors They Shall Pay - Bleeding Under The Scorching Sun Until The End Of Days

Chorus ( a very rythmic beat conversing with the lyrics )
Can you feel it? The venom seeping through your veins?
The never ending rythm of the gods plucking at the strings of pain.
Can you see it? The bodies sleeping upon your name?
The never ending beat of their hearts pounding on the door of shame.

End

pleez tell me what u think!!
Last edited by AgainsTheMirror at Jul 27, 2007,
#2
Powerful and scary. There's a few things that could be changed to maybe help the flow, but its hard to say for sure until the music is put with it. I imagine the pre-chorus being chanted for some reason.
speeed killz
#5
O my god that was a great song. I absolutly loved it. I t just flows perfect. It seems like you knew exactly what you were trying to say. Overall wonderful job. I fyou got time could you critque my song "Armageddon" or "Chances" They are in the sig. Thanks
#6
Amazing. I lvoed it especially the chorus. I wish i could write as good as you lol.
"You've got to dance like nobody else is watching.
Dream like you will live forever.
Live like you're going to die tomorrow,
and love like it is never gonna hurt."
-- James Dean (1931-1955)

Quote by JakeTheDuck
This man has the right idea.


^
oh yeahhh
#7
I like this, I think maybe a fe wof the lines maybe need to be changed to even out teh flow a little and make the syllables the same but I reckon its a good piece and has the potential to be even better with a few minor changes!
#8
i really liked it, it's sorta creepy, but what the hell. the flow didn't seem the best to me, but like i think someone else said, it would problem be fine with music. anyways, it was good.
"Penis"
"That's right kids, I said penis"
:stickpoke
98% of teens have been around or have had alcohol. Put this in your sig if you like bagels.
#11
Quote by CelestialUprise
I really enjoyed this piece. It has powerful imagery and the rhyming used is placed very well. My band plays in the punk rock genre mostly. Our mysoace is just being put up. Add us if you have a myspace, the url is www.myspace.com/painredefined123

sorry bud, i don't use myspace...........
#12
Dude. This is freaking sweet. I really dig it. Just a couple of things.

In the second line of the first verse, I don't think "thy" is the word you want to use because "thy" means the same thing as "your."

Secondly, it's a cool chorus, but I don't really like it when bands use the same exact chorus multiple times so I'd suggest maybe changing one of them just a little bit. I don't feel very strong about this though, and I doubt a lot of other people care.
#13
dude that was an intense song, I especially loved the breakdown...it seemed very different from the rest of the song but then it was all brought back together.
Dart of the Dragoons Pm big_deth to join
#14
Wow thats all i have to say
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