#1
So I've been blocked for a while, this is kind of the same style as my last piece. I just like prose right now in my life. I need some inspiration.




From this height, the ocean looked as a sheet, slightly ruffled. Reminding me that I hadn't had a restful night in ages. It is this hot air balloon, the color of a wilted rose, that carries me out over the abyss, they never said that adventure had to be carried out in style. Then I cut it from the clouds, a portrait of beauty and salvation, and wrapped myself in a dirty blanket. I figured that I would, at least for tonight, let life take me where it would. I shut my eyes, and drift towards the sounds of a west-bound breeze, like a voiceless choir and a faceless future. Dreams lost all shape, and became scribbles upon clouds, basking inches above my head. It was the fingerless man playing violin in front of a crowd of three thousand, the blind man finding freedom through surrender, the rubble of a city being juxtaposed into a makeshift miracle, the golden ring placed on the finger of a skeletal bride, yet I just could not grasp the plot of this story. Suddenly like the impact of a bullet it struck me, as my eyes jerked open just in time to watch the air around me ignite. I'm sure that from the shore I looked like a star, burning brightly, the most beautiful thing I could have ever imagined. A jet-stream of blue and white flame, and it is the end.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
Last edited by Alk 3 addict at Aug 8, 2007,
#2
This is the most beautiful thing I've ever read.
Ever.
It makes so much sense to me.
Masterpiece!
I literally cannot find one thing wrong with it...
It's very deep, very artsy, but isn't conceited (which is difficult to pull off).
Does the dirty blanket represent drugs?
I'm going to have to read this over and think about it for a while.
Beautiful...


If you can, I'd like for you to crit my poem "Broken Glass" that I wrote a while back. It's not as good as this, but I've won a couple contests with it and I think it's above average, so check it out!

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=637657
#3
Holy Christ...

This is incredible. It's so touching, this is the most emotionally connecting thing I have read in ages.

You so deserved WOTW, this...gah! I'm speechless. Incredible work man.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#4
So beautiful. There isn't much a can say that can better this piece. It's amazingly touching and graceful. Well deserved of WOTW. Great work.
Drop another coin in the slot, and I will tell you more...
#5
I'm not sure if we're supposed to crit the WOTW or what lol, but I'll sort of follow the example you guys and gals set

I also really enjoyed this piece. It's fun and touching prose, which is hard to come by sometimes. You used some really neat images, phrases, and cool little word play. A few of the images near the beginning seemed a tad too cliche for my liking: "wilted rose" and "the abyss". That's just my opinion. They fit in the piece and everything, but from seeing this piece alone I can tell that you can come up with your own (stunning/awesome) images. I'm not saying change it; I'm saying that when I read it I thought, "oh, never seen those images/ideas before..." With that in mind, I still really, really like this and would genuinely enjoy reading more of your writing. I'll look it up, and hopefully you have other stuff on here Little point: there were a few grammar mistakes that irked me (commas). Maybe the rules are a bit different in Indianapolis than they are in Canada; I know there are differences depending on where you are in some cases, so maybe they're only considered mistakes in Canada Or! maybe someone with a better knowledge of grammar than me could give me a little lesson - I'd seriously appreciate it if someone could and did, if I'm wrong

Again, fantastic writing, and I don't think I need to tell you to keep writing. You say you need some inspiration. To me, inspiration is infinite; it can be found anywhere and everywhere. It's how you look at things. Maybe the death of a friend is more inspiring than seeing a car drive by you on a rainy day, but you can take either idea and go anywhere with it. Reading up on (and studying it/writing essays) philosophy (especially ethics) gave me tons of inspiration, and self-analysis goes a long way too. Or, as I've seen recommended on here only partially as a joke, you could just go out and really screw your life up on purpose - then you'd have a ton to write about Good luck pal, and thanks for the great piece of writing!

edit like a week later: hey, I was at my cottage etc. Don't worry about a crit back; I don't have anything up right now, thanks though
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
Last edited by iain4444 at Aug 13, 2007,
#6
Nice. Definitely one of your better pieces. Not very much wrong with it as far as I could see. A couple of things you could fix up though are, first of all, that I think you need to swap the first two sentences with each other, and then slightly edit them so they still make sense of course. It just seems like you should explain that you're in a hot air balloon before you mention how high you are. And the "I hadn't had a restful night in ages" needs to be better connected to the idea's around it. As is it's just kind of thrown in. At the very least it needs to be a separate sentence.

The other thing I'll mention is that there are troubles with tenses. You need to decide whether you want present or past. If you insist on having both then you need to lead one into the other. Right now both have been used in, from what I can see, a random and unorganized way.

Other than that this was great. Keep these coming. Don't worry about a return crit. I have nothing out right now.
#7
Thanks everyone
i was surprised when i saw this at stickied

ill work on the grammar
and i know i have tense issues
ive just been too lazy to go back and fix them.

ill get your next one bassbeat.
got anything you want me to crit iain?
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#8



his height, the ocean looked as a sheet, slightly ruffled.

good opening

Reminding me that I hadn't had a restful night in ages. It is this hot air balloon, the color of a wilted rose, that carries me out over the abyss, they never said that adventure had to be carried out in style.

I liked everything except the last line, it felt out of place and took me out of the imagery you were sculpting. I would remove that last line. The imagery is really great though, I love the hot air balloon, it reminds me of a painting by Esao Andrews.

Then I cut it from the clouds, a portrait of beauty and salvation, and wrapped myself in a dirty blanket. I figured that I would, at least for tonight, let life take me where it would. I shut my eyes, and drift towards the sounds of a west-bound breeze, like a voiceless choir and a faceless future.

The last two descriptions, voiceless choir, and faceless future didn't do a thing for me, and thought they were particularly uninspired choices to put into what has been pretty execellent imagery so far. Change them, I think it might sound better too.

Dreams lost all shape, and became scribbles upon clouds, basking inches above my head. It was the fingerless man playing violin in front of a crowd of three thousand, the blind man finding freedom through surrender, the rubble of a city being juxtaposed into a makeshift miracle, the golden ring placed on the finger of a skeletal bride, yet I just could not grasp the plot of this story.

Bad run on sentence, it rambles on and none of the imagery here did anything for me. It was all bleh, fingerless man playing violin? What does that even mean? It sounds like a bad Picasso painting and to be honest, kind of ruined the mood you'd been building. Everything here is kind of tacky.

Suddenly like the impact of a bullet it struck me, as my eyes jerked open just in time to watch the air around me ignite. I'm sure that from the shore I looked like a star, burning brightly, the most beautiful thing I could have ever imagined. A jet-stream of blue and white flame, and it is the end.

#11
This was fantastic! I dont usually like writing like this as i feel it often comes across as a little arrogant, a little self involved, but you managed to tell a beautiful story without coming across as conceited (as has already been said) i feel as though im treading on old territory here because i cant think of a thing to say that hasnt already been said. Its beautiful, intriguing and very entertaining.

return crit?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=10390180#post10390180
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk