#1
I wrote this in one day. Please don't expect too much since i have very limited songwriting skills.

Half-hearted & Neglectful of the lying Shallow (The Lovesick Suicide)


If I was a puppet,
You’d be my master, forever after.
If I was a star,
You’d be my sunset, forever after.
My only wish is,
To be yours, forever after,
The taught of you makes my life go by faster,
You are the only fire,
My lonely heart’s desire,
And always will be,
My only promising disaster, My forever after,
No one else could be you,
No one else will be you,
To me, you’ll always be the only true,
The wish of my deepest dreams,
The lovesick of these creeping tears,
I live within my future fears.
… Yet I’m still striving to believe,
That you will never leave,
To only you, my soul I’ll always give,
I’m lost in my life’s dream,
Everyone’s appearing so real.
Oh God please send me thy kill!
Without her, there’s not a reason left to live,
There’s no one to go to, Nothing to hold on to
I will only live for you, My only true.
Yet, I soon start to realize, you don’t want me to.
You wish to move away from this empty heart,
As it silently breaks apart, cracks from the inside-out,
Pieces of it scatter all around, along with my soul,
An agonizing sound… My blood spilling on the ground,
Trembling loneliness inside of me,
Of my heart’s past and my soul’s present.
Love being my decaying scent,
The more I’ll miss, the less I’ll live this shallow bliss.
And the more it hurts my heart,
The more I wish to set apart,
Set apart, away from this life,
Away from anyone like you.
I’ll still keep on pretending,
Keep on pretending that I want to live,
As I eagerly roll down my sleeve, as you walk in.
These scars won’t heal. These eyes won’t drop a tear
I refused to be in fear, of this lifelong truth,
And now I know…I know it... I know my truth.
No one will ever be close to me,
No true love will be left for me, No one close to me,
………There is no truth left for me.


Thanks for reading, any suggestions would be gladly taken into consideration.
#2
It really wasn't bad. I can see it being a song or a poem. Assuming it is a song, I can see this being alright. I'm not so much into this style but it could work. The rhyming was good at first but felt a little repetative and forced and predictable as the piece progressed.

The taught of you makes my life go by faster,

I assume you mean thought?

It got sort of cliche though. I think you need to focus on one Idea and expand on that instead of just going on and on if you know what I mean. Try and eliminate what you find unnecessary. For me, it started out nicely but as the plot unfolded, I found myself losing interest. Try and mix up your writing and use some other techniques.


peace
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me