#1
This was loosely inspired by the book 'The Last Day'. I am not really for or against organised religion, so don't take this offensively. I'm sure this still needs a lot of work, so, any thoughts are much appreciated. Crit-4-Crit.

(tunnel) visionary.
And yes, actions do speak louder than words.
It’s just that people find it easier to accept the sound
of your voice than that of your hushed-up sins.

In the name of the Father,
We steal from thee.


I somehow doubt you’d
Fill the collection plate
If you printed that on
The back of your sermons.

Seventh Commandment, anyone?

Just give me a second, I’ll grab you a shovel.
You might as well help me dig.
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^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
Last edited by Snowblind 911 at Aug 5, 2007,
#2
holy ****... you are... my favorite lyricist ever!

Like Seriously that was great!!!!!!

i love how you added the seventh cammandment.s. Though Shal lNot Steal..but put it into.. a rythym way
nice man
i love how you didnt want to fly cause we ARE falling, thats the point.. why care when you cant save it anyway
and
Just give me a second, I’ll grab you a shovel.
You might as well help me dig.

i love that.. great job man
Call me Sean
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#5
nice job man its pretty neat its very well written without being written to the point where it is unable to be understood like most people write now adays. Anyways great job it was one of the best i have read in a few days. If you could could you crit my song its called 1991 blues. thanks man
#6
hmmm. I really enjoyed it because it made me think, wasn't straightforward, well overly straightforward, I like the mystery. Sometimes I didn't know what was going on, or what you want us to connote, but I did derive my own connotations, and over all, I think the poem is summed up in the title, I think. Deception. Mhhmmm! But yes, I like the ending for some reason. Cool write, enjoyed it. If you don't mind critting one of my pieces, its called "Midnight Wonder" I will get the link in a bit.

heres the link

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=637750
anybody wanna put anything here just let me know
Last edited by societies_worm at Jul 29, 2007,
#7
i havent read the book, but interesting poem, although honestly i felt it was kind of a case of style over substance. really a lot of what was there didnt convey anything really new or thought provoking IMO. the lines "Oh look to the sky!/Or not, you know" for example, dont really add anything much your message, besides maybe underlining things that you had already said in a more original way. there were some good things about this also, i just cant say im taking as much away from it as everyone else seems to be.
btw, just wondering, was superman at all a reference to Nietzche's use of the word, if not that actually ties in nicely. anyways, thanks for the crit
#8
Thanks guys.

The 'Oh, look to the sky!' part refers to the fact that even if Jesus returned [in whatever form] from heaven, the Catholic church would probably be convinced that the person is just some loony.

They preach the return of their messiah, but when somebody actually claims to be the messiah, they are the first to deny it.

Does that make it seem to bear more relevance now? Or not?

Thanks.
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^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#9
Dude this sucks!!!

Go Cut your wrists or sumthin!!!
I have read the book and it is ok.... but this man,
I have seen crap but ....I see this sort of thing in my toliet.
U dont get life !!!
Woh MAn!

Learn sumthin go to school finish it or

****! ME!

Do not write poetry for a living because you can't!!!!

P.S. No offence to the book.


RockerLordie
#10
Ok man.

You a religious fanatic or something? Or some demon worshipper? I'd pretend to care, but, well, you can't even use basic english, and your insults are pathetic.

Please, give me a link to one of your pieces, and show me how it is done. Oh wait, have you even posted a poem before?

Hmmm.

And why on earth do you have poetry in your toilet?

God, I don't even know why I am dignifying this with a response.

...

*edit: This was your first post as well? Wow, i almost feel priveleged to be the recipient of such attention.
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Last edited by Snowblind 911 at Jul 30, 2007,
#11
Don't listen to him Snowblind I love you

This was written in quite a different tone than the rest of your pieces that I've read, I can tell that this was inspired by something else because it feels like a response, not like something that's come out of your head on its own. There were a few parts that were much too conversational for my liking, mainly: "Or not, you know"..."...or something?"..."And yes, actions do speak louder than words."...and the *cough*s. I understand what you were going for but it made it feel more like a rant than a poem.

I really liked this part: "Pope Hypocrite the 264th - the (tunnel) visionary." and the mention of the Seventh Commandment. I like that you didn't mess around with hidden meanings and difficult metaphors and were pretty straight-forward with your message.

It's slightly interesting, I just feel like you didn't take your time on wording things properly and it kind of detracted from your meaning. It's not a bad piece, but it's not what I expected either.
#12
Thanks, yeah, i was sort of experimenting with the conversational approach. And it was a bit of a rant i suppose.

Thanks for the crit. Got anything i can do?

And ugh, can someone please delete that other guys comment? it is really starting to piss me off.
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^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#13
Quote by RockDictator666
Dude this sucks!!!

Go Cut your wrists or sumthin!!!
I have read the book and it is ok.... but this man,
I have seen crap but ....I see this sort of thing in my toliet.
U dont get life !!!
Woh MAn!

Learn sumthin go to school finish it or

****! ME!

Do not write poetry for a living because you can't!!!!

P.S. No offence to the book.


RockerLordie


:/.. A simple "I didn't enjoy this very much" probably would've worked


I really love this though, Snowblind, very creative.. I would crit it, but I'm a bit of a nub I just wrote my first and posted it
#14
The Great Deceiver hey, yea, i deleted all your formatting and stuff Intriguing title.

‘I never learnt how to fly - I'd take the 'how' out of this line for sure, and personally I'd use 'learned' because that's how I always write it (canadian?), but 'learnt' is correct as well, just saying.
Didn’t see the point. Why'd you leave the "I" out of this line? It's fine, just wondering. Maybe it'd be a bit too repetitive with the first three lines starting with "I" though
I figured, since we were falling
So random point: you don't capitalize the first word of every line; they only get a capital if the word is the first word of a sentence.fast anyway, I’d just extend 'extend' doesn't really fit with the rest of the diction you've used, or at least it seems out of place to me. It seems like such a technical word - maybe 'hold out my arms' or 'put out' or something? Your call (obviously)
My arms, clasp my hands
And pretend I was Superman.’ I really dislike this line. It's seems really juvenile, and more importantly, it _really_ doesn't fit with the imagery you use in the rest of the piece. Use something else that flies, preferably something religious (or at least mythical ). I'd suggest something, but I really don't know anything about religion... maybe Icarus, or whoever, but that has weird connotations you don't need. Maybe a phoenix or something lol

Oh, look to the sky! as you explained, this is supposed to be about Jesus, but that really isn't very apparent from the line. I find that the more you have to explain the lines the less powerful the can become. There are tons of exceptions to this, but this particular line doesn't really suggest we are speaking about the infant saviour. Just say what you mean (and mean what you say!)

Or not, you know. As was said, a bit too colloquial. If you must leave it, I think "or don't, you know" or "or, you know, (just?) don't" would be more fitting. Just my opinion.
Two thousand years not long enough or something? long enough for what? to look at the sky? to accept jesus as our saviour? Again, maybe try being a bit more direct. I know lots of people like being really ambiguous and vague, but I think it's usually sort of lame; like, why must they be THAT vague? It suggests to me that maybe sometimes they actually don't know/understand what they're talking about and cover it up by being so vague on the subject. Now i've used the word 'vague' too much lol
Pope Hypocrite the 264th pardon my ignorance, but why this number? - the tunnel visionary. i can guess what you're trying to get across here, but again, it could be several things (or all of them..?!?!?)
And yes, actions do speak louder than words. since when is speech not an action? The act of speaking? Come on
It’s just that people find it easier to accept the sound
Of your voice than that of your hushed-up sins. Well, I wouldn't say that in all cases things are easy to talk about. Off topic, sorry. It seems like you're saying 'the sound of your voice' and 'the sound of your hushed-up sins', but even if you're like...personifying the sins as making a 'sound' per say, this still conflicts with your idea that speech is easier to face than actions, and that speech is less powerful - because you imply that both 'your voice' and 'your sins' are sounds. Know what I mean?

In the name of the Father,
We steal from thee. well, interesting concept, but seems sort of like a statement based on purely outside observations and reasoning. What does religion steal from you supposedly? Free will? freedom of thought? money? life? time every week? Again, I'm painfully ignorant on the subject, but I know religion gives much back to many people, and I'd say many of them - if they'll admit they're being 'stolen' from - would say it's worth it to receive the feelings of acceptance, consolation, community, and empowerment. I don't know - like i said, it just seems like you just said it. Like when people say they 'hate president Bush' or something. They couldn't really explain it; they just say it and may or may not feel that way. Maybe you were inspired by ideas in the book to say this line, but how could I know that? This line could definitely be argued for either side quite effectively. Could you explain your reasoning behind it, because I'm sure you didn't put it there flippantly.

I somehow doubt you’d
Fill the collection plate
If you printed that on
The back of your sermons. sort of an odd detail to spend an entire stanza (you did say this was a poem, didn't you?) on this stealing idea. I guess there isn't much left to say about it for me without hearing some answers for you though. It seems like a shorter stanza than the others; it's all one line really.

*cough* ‘Seventh Commandment’ *cough* sort of a _really_ random way to put this in your poem. Maybe "Have we forgotten the seventh commandment"? or something like that that isn't using a form of internetish speech in poetry. It's up to you; I just think it's really odd.

Just give me a second, I’ll grab you a shovel.
You might as well help me dig. while i enjoy these lines, their meaning is obscure to me. Is it supposed to be "we're screwed anyway, so let's just face it"? sort of thing? but the lines imply that whoever you gave the shovel is joining you in an activity (figuratively digging your own (humankind's?) grave?) Just a guess. I do like the piece though, and I hope you find time to answer my questions Take it easy.

Iain.
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
Last edited by iain4444 at Aug 1, 2007,
#15
Thankyou!

Now, to the questions.

The Superman reference seemed to fit to me anyway - superman is supposed to be a hero, a superhero. Assume that the person talking is a priest or something. Priests claim to 'understand' god, and his rules and expectations. Or maybe take it as far as the pope - the pope is supposed to be the closest humanly thing to God - he is the Catholic churches highest member. What if he doesn't really know what god wants? what if the church is just pretending to, for some strange alterior [spl?] motive?

The 'oh, look to the sky' part isn't particularly referring to Jesus, but any form of Messiah.

Two thousand years not long enough or something?

That line is supposed to mean that the - [Ok, I am going to be specific now] Catholic Church has been preaching the return of the Messiah for so long - supposedly on the turn of the Millenium [2000]. Now say that somebody - on the turn of the millenium, claims to be a messiah, the Catholic Church will deny, and try to falsify their claims. Call them crazy and whatnot.

Pope Hypocrite the 264th


The pope at the turn of the millenium is estimated to have been the 264th ever, that's why I used that number.

And yes, actions do speak louder than words.
it’s just that people find it easier to accept the sound
of your voice than that of your hushed-up sins.


Technically words themselves aren't an action - speaking may be. And I didn't mean that all conversations were easy - but anything the Pope says to the mainstream public will be more easily accepted [Some religious people will believe anything the pope says] than trying to believe that the church lies to people.

In the name of the lord,
we steal from thee.


The Catholic church has, for many a year, been riddled with controversy. The church [supposedly] has millions and millions of dollars of worth of assets, when a particular chapter of the bible [Not sure which exactly] pretty much says that people should only have what they need to get by on. The Church [rumoured] uses the money from donations etc. to buy assets - property etc. They are supposedly one of the richest organisations [wrong word?] in the world.

The sermon stanza I know probably isn't long enough to have an entire stanza on, but as a one line thing it looked really odd, so I dragged it out - I will look at changing that.

Same with the seventh commandment thing. I will change the *cough* part, definately.

Just give me a second, I’ll grab you a shovel.
You might as well help me dig.


That links from the seventh commandment part. It means [for me] that despite how priests etc. preach that by sinning we will all go to hell, and they - are supposed to be anyway - perfect rolemodels, but the Church is breaking the 7th commandment - *thou shalt not steal* I can't really explain in too much detail the specifics, but they are supposed to be involved with a lot of shady dealing, and be making money off people unfairly.

It it saying that - 'well, we are all going to hell anyway, and hey - you sin as well, you might as well help me dig. [not literally, assuming that every sin we do brings us closer to hell - assuming as well that hell is downwards - which it is generally portrayed to be]

Well, that's my attempt at explaining some stuff. I will definately change a lot of the stuff you mentioned.
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Last edited by Snowblind 911 at Aug 1, 2007,
#16
i like the first verse. really original. especially the line
'and pretend i was superman'

i find that line rather funny. lol
#17
O wow, that was very deep. I agree with him ^ I lolled at the superman line.

Overall, i think that was pretty much perfect.
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#19
Quote by Snowblind 911
Thankyou!
alterior [spl?]
definately.

Ulterior*
definitely*
Quote by Snowblind 911

Just give me a second, I’ll grab you a shovel.
You might as well help me dig.

It it saying that - 'well, we are all going to hell anyway, and hey - you sin as well, you might as well help me dig. [not literally, assuming that every sin we do brings us closer to hell - assuming as well that hell is downwards - which it is generally portrayed to be]

That is really cool! I didn't catch this idea from the line, but now that you've explained it I really enjoy it. Though! as I may or may not have mentioned in this crit, in many cases, the more you have to explain a line the less powerful it can become. I think it's confusing because you really don't know why they're digging, or more specifically, where they're digging to, and I feel that if you somehow worked that in the meaning you want would be very clear. If you don't change the end at all it's still a pretty great closing line. Thanks so much for answering my questions and gracing us all with the beauty that is this poem

Iain.
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#20
This was loosely inspired by the book 'The Last Day'. I am not really for or against organised religion, so don't take this offensively. I'm sure this still needs a lot of work, so, any thoughts are much appreciated. Crit-4-Crit.

(tunnel) visionary.
And yes, actions do speak louder than words.
It’s just that people find it easier to accept the sound
of your voice than that of your hushed-up sins.

I think this is one of the best parts. Whereas you have no stance on organised religion, I am very much against it, particularly in many ways Catholocism (sorry if I offend anyone) so I enjoyed this. I wasn't sure whether I liked the conversational tone of the first couple of lines, but the last four were amazing.

In the name of the Father,
We steal from thee.


I somehow doubt you’d
Fill the collection plate
If you printed that on
The back of your sermons.

Seventh Commandment, anyone?

Just give me a second, I’ll grab you a shovel.
You might as well help me dig.

This whole section was so effective. The inclusion of the bible reference was a good idea, but I just didn't think it worked as a line on it's own. I absolutely loved the part about the sermons and the last two lines, though.




Overall , I really enjoyed this. I know I didn't add much in way of advice on how to improve, but I couldn't really think of anything. I thought it lacked in rhythm in a couple of places, but it was intelligent and very well written and thought out. Great work !
There is poetry in despair.
#21
This was loosely inspired by the book 'The Last Day'. I am not really for or against organised religion, so don't take this offensively. I'm sure this still needs a lot of work, so, any thoughts are much appreciated. Crit-4-Crit.

(tunnel) visionary.
And yes, actions do speak louder than words.
It’s just that people find it easier to accept the sound
of your voice than that of your hushed-up sins.

I think this is one of the best parts. Whereas you have no stance on organised religion, I am very much against it, particularly in many ways Catholocism (sorry if I offend anyone) so I enjoyed this. I wasn't sure whether I liked the conversational tone of the first couple of lines, but the last four were amazing.

In the name of the Father,
We steal from thee.


I somehow doubt you’d
Fill the collection plate
If you printed that on
The back of your sermons.

Seventh Commandment, anyone?

Just give me a second, I’ll grab you a shovel.
You might as well help me dig.

This whole section was so effective. The inclusion of the bible reference was a good idea, but I just didn't think it worked as a line on it's own. I absolutely loved the part about the sermons and the last two lines, though.




Overall , I really enjoyed this. I know I didn't add much in way of advice on how to improve, but I couldn't really think of anything. I thought it lacked in rhythm in a couple of places, but it was intelligent and very well written and thought out. Great work !
There is poetry in despair.
#22
(tunnel) visionary.
And yes, actions do speak louder than words.
It’s just that people find it easier to accept the sound
of your voice than that of your hushed-up sins.
Hmmm. this is intriguing(sp?). it sounds fairly..arrogant. but it also makes me think. as i have asked similar questions in my life, youve done well presenting the ideas without being cliche.

In the name of the Father,
We steal from thee.


I somehow doubt you’d
Fill the collection plate
If you printed that on
The back of your sermons.
Eh. not good at all. i know for a fact the offerings in churches go to pay pastors and for other things that allow the church to function, and churches are by no means rich. they may distribute resources differently, but they all go to the same cause. okay, there are a few corrupt people that steal from the churches, but you get my general idea right?

Seventh Commandment, anyone?

Just give me a second, I’ll grab you a shovel.
You might as well help me dig.



sorry. i just couldnt get into this. i never liked religous songs, but i will say its fairly well written. i just cant stand controversy on religion. so...in other words, nice writing, BAD subject, IMO.
#23
I thought it was alright, but it read more like a rant than anything. I didn't like the first part at all, I thought it was a lot weaker in comparison to the rest of it, although I did like the Superman idea, maybe it just wasn't executed right to me. I thought it was really flustered without much structure, but you have some brilliant lines here and there that make me appreciate your work. Great stuff here, you've progressed really well since I've started reading your pieces.
Drop another coin in the slot, and I will tell you more...
#24
Ok, well I am definately going to change the Superman thing. Any ideas as to what it should become?

And Grey Dynasty, I wasn't referring to individual churches being rich - more the Catholic church as a whole. At a much higher level than individual churches - i know most of them aren't rich at all.

Chak, you mean the first part as in the Superman verse, or after that as well?

Thanks both of you, the superman verse is going to change, definately.

edit: should i change it to ' a (super?)hero' or is that still lame?
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^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
Last edited by Snowblind 911 at Aug 3, 2007,
#25
I still think that's kind of lame, like you said. If it was me, I wouldn't say I was pretending to be anything, just say something about how you embrace the fall or something. I know your way is wittier, but I just don't like it. It doesn't fit with the rest of the piece, IMO.
There is poetry in despair.
#26
Thanks for criting my song!...And yes,it was supposed to sound like I was high...I wasn't,tough I was thinking about it and I was in a state of mind that I felt almost high without taking any drugs!!


As for your poem,it's awesome...Not really my style,but very,very well writen!!!!!

The "Superman" thingy...I have an idea...Like,for example:

‘I never learnt to fly -
didn’t see the point.
I figured, since we were falling
so fast anyway, I’d just extend
my arms,wave them
And pretend I was a bird.´

I think it looks cooler that way...

I don't really like religion stuff but this one,I really enjoyed!

Continue the awesome work,dude!!


Cheers
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I'm funny

BLUES
#27
Thanks.

I'm sort of ready to let this go now...

I worked on the first part though, 'cause I really want to fix that before I move on fully -

‘I never learnt to fly -
never really tried. I figured,
since we were falling so fast anyway,
I’d just extend my arms, clasp my hands
and pray to be cushioned by
all those as stupid as I was.’

Look - someone’s passing out parachutes!



Is that any better? Please...?
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^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#28
I worked on the first part though, 'cause I really want to fix that before I move on fully -

‘I never learnt to fly -
never really tried. I figured,
since we were falling so fast anyway,
I’d just extend my arms, clasp my hands
and pray to be cushioned by
all those as stupid as I was.’ I'd definitely take the 'all' out of this line, otherwise it gets all jumbly

Look - someone’s passing out parachutes! see, I immediately thought you were talking about drugs here - which doesn't even really make any sense, nor would you have really used the word correctly if that's what you meant, but still. I really don't know what to suggest for this line; the idea is neat, but I don't think this line really fits either. I do like this a lot more than the original way, so yay for editing! It's looking better and better.
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour