#1
this has been going through my head all day. i just wrote it down in a stream of consciouness. i don't know if it's a song, but it's something. they're thoughts on my mind. but they're also thoughts regarding our minds in general. clever, right?

mildly amusing how science teaches us to comprehend evolution
while its swift advances cause the regression of said process
the weaker live longer from chemo and medication
probably for profit, but for argument's sake, compassion
compassion is irrational and thus unscientific
there's no room for free love in free thought
the one with the most knowledge suffers the greatest pains
preachers may start the wars but scientists provide the weapons
with each passing generation, conflicts remain the same
only becoming more violent due to advancing guns and bombs
philosophies give the motive but you get nowhere without the means
it started with fistfights, then swords, then impersonal machines
at least there used to be dignity and respect in battle
foes used to be friends, now they're collateral damage in pursuit of rich ends
the mind is a terrible thing to waste and moreso a terrible thing to use
#DTWD
#2
Are you looking for a critique, or just seeing how it's received?

I like the points you made, I like them a lot. They're quite thought-provoking and I like the way that sequential lines revolve around certain aspects, from different viewpoints. (like the scientific vs. unscientific)

I think they could have been worded in a way that made them more effective and hard-hitting for the reader. Most of it was pretty conversational, made me feel like I was reading a speech or something. I'll go into greater detail if you like, I have a few ideas, I just don't want to be a pretentious ass who makes suggestions when you just want to put out some expression.
#3
nah, critiques are cool. like i said, i don't know if it's a song, but it will probably become one (to me it sounds very minutemen-esque). i guess to some extent i was just putting it out there, but any suggestion to make it more impactful would be cool.

do you want me to do you?

as in crit for crit.

<_<
#DTWD
#4
Quote by primusfan
this has been going through my head all day. i just wrote it down in a stream of consciouness. i don't know if it's a song, but it's something. they're thoughts on my mind. but they're also thoughts regarding our minds in general. clever, right?

mildly amusing how science teaches us to comprehend evolution
while its swift advances cause the regression of said process
I think you could do better here by just eliminating "said process" altogether. "...comprehend evolution/while its swift advances cause the regression of." I like the paradoxical push-pull movement you give science here from the beginning.
the weaker live longer from chemo and medication
probably for profit, but for argument's sake, compassion
again, I like the point. Second line here could have been worded better. "For profit, but argument likes to call it compassion". Or something else. It's phrases like this, "for argument's sake", that make it seem less like a piece of writing and more like eavesdropping on your neighbors at a coffeeshop.
compassion is irrational and thus unscientific
love this line. not a fan of the way you used the word "thus" though. It's another coffeeshop phrase. "the irrationality of compassion makes it unscientific"? "compassion's irrationality is lacking in science"? I don't know.
there's no room for free love in free thought
love love love this.
the one with the most knowledge suffers the greatest pains
preachers may start the wars but scientists provide the weapons
with each passing generation, conflicts remain the same
only becoming more violent due to advancing guns and bombs
this whole part here is great, no complaints at all. well thought out.
philosophies give the motive but you get nowhere without the means
still well thought out, but i feel like you lost your flow here. "you get nowhere" = another coffeeshop phrase.
it started with fistfights, then swords, then impersonal machines
"it started with" is unnecessary, I think. "Fistfights, then swords, then impersonal machines." I think would be better.
at least there used to be dignity and respect in battle
not a fan of "atleast", but I have no suggestions.
foes used to be friends, now they're collateral damage in pursuit of rich ends
the mind is a terrible thing to waste and moreso a terrible thing to use
what an amazing ending.


some of my suggestions may be crap, don't take any of them too seriously. I just think that you use a lot of conversational phrases that make the whole thing seem very tasteless, as opposed to your points which are very...tasty?

and thanks for the offer , but I've not written anything worth the effort lately. I enjoyed reading this though.
#5
t started with fistfights, then swords, then impersonal machines
at least there used to be dignity and respect in battle
foes used to be friends, now they're collateral damage in pursuit of rich ends
the mind is a terrible thing to waste and moreso a terrible thing to use


I love that thats how I feel on alot of things involving fighting.
#7
Quote by blu_flame34
some of my suggestions may be crap, don't take any of them too seriously. I just think that you use a lot of conversational phrases that make the whole thing seem very tasteless, as opposed to your points which are very...tasty?

and thanks for the offer , but I've not written anything worth the effort lately. I enjoyed reading this though.




i want to retain just a little bit of the conversational aspect, but a lot of your suggestions were really good actually (namely the first rec and some of the eliminations at the end) thank you. i'll take them into consideration.

perhaps for this one line would sound better?:

philosophies give the motive but are virtually harmless without the means
#DTWD
#8
I enjoyed this insight into the circular nature of things. Cause and effect lead to some unexpected results. I felt it need to have a pause after mildly amusing. A comma there would feel better to me.

foes used to be friends, Feels a bit "off". I understand the meaning, but if you can find a better way to say the combatants had admiration and respect for one another, while avoiding the implication they were previously comrades within the same camp, that would be worth the effort.

collateral damage usually refers to people or things that are not part of the conflict and are harmed unintentionally by events in the battle. It's really a stretch to make a connection between the effects of technology on the nature of war, and how the combatants are now innocents.

That whole line, confused the read for me. I suspect you had some other intention, that I'm just not understanding.

All things said, I liked it very much. It inspired a deeper look at war, without being preachy.


No c4c for me. Just pass it on to a current work by somebody else who might need it.

...
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#10
collateral damage usually refers to people or things that are not part of the conflict and are harmed unintentionally by events in the battle.


well originally i was going to say casualties, but it's basically the same thing. it's sort of another (given cryptic) stab at how we fight people via bombs and missiles now. there's no definite enemy. we'll kill anyone with the drop of a bomb if it will further our cause whether political or economic.
#DTWD