#1
for some reason the event that this is about keeps sticking out in my head as being important or something so i wrote this. i doubt it will mean much to anyone else but i like it, although i am unsure about the last few lines of it. anyways ill return any crits, thanks


last week
i passed a girl
on her bicycle
on my way to the
city.
and our eyes met

but neither of us smiled.
to me
she never will,
she will remain anonymous
and riding her bike forever,
without progress,

and to her
i am a long lost face,
in an ocean of others,
who probably drowned
a long time ago.
but she's wrong;
i'm still struggling
against gravity,
and i can't stop
for anyone.
Last edited by sjada at Aug 1, 2007,
#2
Thats bloody amazing man! That was really good. The only part about the piece that i dont like is in the last line, 'i am a lost face, in an ocean of faces' i love the lines, but i am not a fan of the repetition of the word face. You could try something like 'i am a lost face, surrounded by the sea' or something like that. I just dont like the repition that much.
All in all its a very good piece though. I bet most likely everyone can relate.
Keep it up.
Crit one of mine if you get the chance?
Preferably the green one.