#1
its the first thing iv written to just let me know what you think and maybe how to improve it thanks


------run ...run away from every thing that you love to every thing we hate why cant you just stop? you cant just give it all away for nothing. How cant you see what its done to you? Why cant you see what it does to us?

Im falling apart inside waching your life slip away. Cant you remember the good times before it all went down? cant you remember the good times before you slipped into that crwod? cant you see what theve done to you? why cant you just walk away?---------
Quote by L_Z_Nut
Who is this "Billy Joe Armstrong" you guys are talking about..... sounds made up to me.


Quote by l2p_Guitar
my penis is like 6 inches. i measured with a measuring tape and accidentally let it go, so i have cuts down the side.

RIP heaven's gate
Last edited by brandendude at Aug 2, 2007,
#2
yea those are totally fake and not melodic...sing it to yourself and think of a melody it works better to write lyrics
#3
i dont get what you mean by there totally fake?
Quote by L_Z_Nut
Who is this "Billy Joe Armstrong" you guys are talking about..... sounds made up to me.


Quote by l2p_Guitar
my penis is like 6 inches. i measured with a measuring tape and accidentally let it go, so i have cuts down the side.

RIP heaven's gate
#4
Quote by punkbass481
yea those are totally fake and not melodic...sing it to yourself and think of a melody it works better to write lyrics


Yes, because everything posted in here is lyrics.

As for the piece, forgive me if I'm rather blunt, but I wasn't a fan at all. It was cliche and unimaginative. There was a solid theme, but I found myself grasping for the point. I've never been a fan of overly vague writing though, so that may be personal preference. As far as lines like, "falling apart", they're sooooo overdone, I'm sorry I can't even begin to tell you. If you want anything you write to stand out, I'd suggest you steer clear of such things. It's obvious you're just a beginner, and don't be discouraged, I'm yet to see anyone churn out something spectacular on one of their first few pieces. The best advice I can give at this point is to just keep writing, and try and notice something that not many others do. Being original is the best way to stand out, either by writing about something original, or writing about something cliche in a unique way. Anyway, keep at it, and I apologize if I came off as harsh, I'm not trying to insult or offend you at all.

Also, I'd appreciate it if you'd take a look at the piece in my sig.
#5
thanks for the opinon dude it was the first thing iv ever wrote like that
Quote by L_Z_Nut
Who is this "Billy Joe Armstrong" you guys are talking about..... sounds made up to me.


Quote by l2p_Guitar
my penis is like 6 inches. i measured with a measuring tape and accidentally let it go, so i have cuts down the side.

RIP heaven's gate