#1
Hey guys, this is a short and unfinished piece which i have written. Its more of a poem than anything else, i wrote at a kinda weird place, which i'm hoping you'll understand if you read. Tell me what you think.

the world lies out of motion
coated in eerie deep black skies.
feels like i'm alone now
like i'm the only one alive.
no life to grace the empty earth
no sounds to echo through the night.
a still silence before a morning storm,
before the darkness turns to light.

a vacancy for cluttered thoughts
and vague but cherished memories.
to contemplate a future behold
of steady sands and rocky seas.

have you ever had a moment
when your world just seems to stop.
then you are in control
for those few moments you are god.
#2
Quote by bettyswollox


the world lies out of motion
coated in eerie deep black skies.
Good imagery, unfortunately it is a little cliche though.
feels like i'm alone now
like i'm the only one alive.
no life to grace the empty earth
no sounds to echo through the night.
a still silence before a morning storm,
before the darkness turns to light.
Good flow, but the reference of night/light is another cliche to me.

a vacancy for cluttered thoughts
and vague but cherished memories.
to contemplate a future behold
of steady sands and rocky seas.
I like this clear and has a nice flow to it.

have you ever had a moment
when your world just seems to stop.
then you are in control
for those few moments you are god
It works...I have never been a fan of ending with a question though. I would like to see another stanza really come and conclude it. .


Overall a well written piece, I am just really picky about cliches and feel they can very easily bring down a good piece. Nice job, though, it was all well minus the cliche parts/themes. But that's just my $.02, if you could look at my piece I would appreciate it. It's called the "Passageway of Life..." I'm not sure how I like it so I'm looking for others opinions. Thanks, peace.
#3
the world lies out of motion
coated in eerie deep black skies.
feels like i'm alone now
like i'm the only one alive.
no life to grace the empty earth
no sounds to echo through the night.

I REALLY like these lines, especially the "grace the empty earth part, mint
a still silence before a morning storm,
before the darkness turns to light.
Not to fond of this line, ive heard it a couple times, but im sure you could EASILy find something else to fit

a vacancy for cluttered thoughts
and vague but cherished memories.
to contemplate a future behold
of steady sands and rocky seas.
Very nice stanzaa, like the flow, like the thought, overall my favorite.

have you ever had a moment
when your world just seems to stop.
then you are in control
for those few moments you are god.
Ahh, lol gets you thinkin, i like it alot, and unlike the person above me, i enjoy an ending that leaves a question. i think its a perfect ending. the last line has that punch that makes it good


Overall i liked it quite a bit, im thinkin you should finish it, cause id love to read the finished product. Some little cliches, but you have enought fresh lines and great ideas that make them fine. Im gonna check out some of your other stuff to crit, so if you dont mind.... can you get the ones in my sig...
Thanks alot