#1
This is completely on the spot, and I had no intentions of falling within typical A/B/A/B rhyme but it happened. I can't decide so I ask for you to help...is it too cheesy, does it sound like a nursery rhyme?

[Lyrics]
I can't promise how I'll be when I return
but I've seen it prior to me,
and it's the kind of thing,
that turns upside the sea.

The light bulb remains in my head,
yet the power eludes this stitched up seam;
I've waited so long,
and need this search and rescue to turn on my dream

Know these intents,
they stay forever good.
Know my intent,
it stays forever good.

[/Lyrics]

All help is appreciated thanks.
#2
well i thought everything here is fine, the ryhming was a problem since you had such a colorful vocabulary, although it did jump around a bit, it seems there is lo underlying story and just a collaboration of ideas to me, maybe work on the ideas and make a meaning more understandable. i mean each stanza had its own meaning but together.... confused me. but it is a nice lil peice though. keep workin. nice job. maybe crit mine? Spiders Crawling Through My Eyes - in sig