#1
This is an abstract piece I made tonight, it has a meaning to it. Please let me know what you think.

Burst of spontaneous
Motivation through chemicals
Without ever reaching the galaxy
the black holed ****up

If clouds were a cover
We'd hide out a while
But they'll only drown us
Straight through the sun

Back to the atmosphere
Sick with acid rain
Held up in a hospital
Only waiting for death
Fake God's caress moving in the animals heart
Sweet Satan of truth, the father of art
#2
Quote by revolutionplz
This is an abstract piece I made tonight, it has a meaning to it. Please let me know what you think.

Burst of spontaneous
Motivation through chemicals
Without ever reaching the galaxy
the black holed ****up

the opening line and the title is really cool but the line 3 and 4 feels bit disjointed nad they need to be rephrased in order to sound better. also u need to punctuate the lines.


If clouds were a cover
We'd hide out a while
But they'll only drown us
Straight through the sun

last line maybe "in front of a sun"
2nd line instead of hide out use some other word


Back to the atmosphere
Sick with acid rain
Held up in a hospital
Only waiting for death
Fake God's caress moving in the animals heart
Sweet Satan of truth, the father of art

nice ending. liked it alot





overall the piece is good what lacks in it is that some of the lines feels disjointed and could use a little tweaking and the most important thing that it needs is called PUNCTUATION . keep posting and i'll keep reading


Andy
Hi
#3
Thank you for the response. It's really my first time writing something in this style, so I've still got a way to go with it.