#1
Read into this however you like, Crit-4-Crit. I'm not sure if it was too vague or not though. Enjoy...

Talons, Hearts, and Other Broken Things.

The rainbow collided with a truck, and now her colours are
splayed across my chest. And as my reflection grows clearer
she moves further, irrefutably so, to a place beyond my reach.
A procession of mourning, marred only by her least
favourite colour would be a pre-requisite, if, of course,
she was a female in the accepted sense.

But she’s not, so she is going to have to settle for a
few mumbled prayers on my behalf, and a twenty by twelve.
But unlike you, I doubt I will get to sleep tonight, because
of the niggling sensation that I should, perhaps,
have spent maybe just a few minutes longer making her
site of ‘eternal rest’ slightly safer – from the feral cats at least.

Oh, and just for the record,
there was no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow -
just a bottle of detergent and an overpriced
visit to the Laundromat.



EDIT: I'll shove this here, 'cause people don't always read the comments. This was inspired by the idea of a bird [lorikeet] being hit by a truck. Watching as a creature of such beauty dies in your hands. Being the only one who even mildly cares about the fact that it is dead, gone, forever.

Get your own meanings out of the lines though, everything is open to interpretation - I even think this relates slightly to disabled people as well... but that's probably me reaching too far into something
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
Last edited by Snowblind 911 at Aug 20, 2007,
#2
Read into this however you like, Crit-4-Crit. I'm not sure if it was too vague or not though. Enjoy...

Talons, Hearts, and Other Broken Things.

The rainbow collided with a truck, and now her colours are
splayed across my chest. (This part made me laugh. The thought of a rainbow getting hit by a truck, I mean. I couldn't help it.) And as my reflection grows clearer
she moves further, irrefutably so, to a place beyond my reach.
A procession - for mourning, marred only by her least
favourite colour would be a pre-requisite, if, of course,
she was a female in the accepted sense.
These last three lines are great, but I think "a procession OF mourning" works better.

But she’s not, so she is going to have to settle
for a few mumbled prayers on my behalf,
and a twenty by twelve.
But unlike you, I doubt I will get to sleep tonight, because
of the niggling sensation that I should, perhaps,
have spent maybe just a few minutes longer
making her site of ‘eternal rest’ slightly safer –
from the feral cats at least.
This part was good, but it didn't draw me in as much as the first verse did. It lacked the spunk and imagery that the first verse offered.

Oh, and just for the record,
there was no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Hahaha. End of a rainbow. LOLZ. But seriously, it was good.

Over all, it was good . Thanks for the crit on mine. I find it awfully ironic that when I write something I absolutely detest, people seem to like it.
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#3
The piece was really awesome . the word play was really good and with the pace it moved it kept my interest . the idea of rainbow was pretty nice and especially the ending . i really liked
how you tried to eliminate the superstition of a golden pot at the end of the rain bow.
Srry for a lame crit . I have to go somewhere right now . i 'll definitely add something more


Andy
Hi
#4
lol, thanks guys.

I might just add, this was inspired by the idea of a bird [lorikeet] being hit by a truck. Watching as a creature of such beauty dies in your hands. Being the only one who even mildly cares about the fact that it is dead, gone, forever.

Get your own meanings out of the lines though, everything is open to interpretation - I even think this relates slightly to disabled people as well... but that's probably me reaching too far into something
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#5
the only thing that caught my eye to make it better is if you say "at the end of this rainbow" in the last line instead of "the". But i guess you have your own opinions, just wanted to lay that out...
Other than that, i found this to be a very good read. i really did like it and what an interesting way to make a poem from killing a beautiful bird... great job...
Hey, how exactly did u change the title? it looks the same...
oh, and would you mind looking at my piece? i left a link to it in my sig. thanks in advance...
#6
I thought this was great. The imagery was really effective and it flowed pretty well. I agree with hideaway, though, the idea of a rainbow getting hit by a truck is pretty funny...
Otherwise just make a few changes that have been mentioned above and it will be great
Welcome To The End My Friend, The Sky Has Opened
#7
I have nothing bad to say about it, except that I really didn't like the ending. I thought the whole piece was beautiful and the words were chosen nicely, but I felt like the ending was rushed, kind of like an afterthought or something. If you could pick a more subtle and lengthy way of saying what you mean in the last two lines, I'd enjoy it a lot more.
#8
Beautiful piece, I wouldn't change too much about it because the imagery is great and thats what I like when I'm reading a poem or lyrics. Thanks for crittin mine.
I will make you change your mind.

Quote by wizards?
*e-hugs mindchanger*
"you're still awesome"
#10


Talons, Wings, and Other Broken Things.

Love the title.

The rainbow collided with a truck, and now her colours are
splayed across my chest. And as my reflection grows clearer
she moves further, irrefutably so, to a place beyond my reach.
This is a really good opening. Good flow and phonetics, the sounds really come out well in the piece, no tripping up of the tongue or odd wording. A good first image too, and although I guess the broken up ideas displayed here are to reflect the title and overall meaning, I've never been a fan of it, I warn you.
A procession of mourning, marred only by her least
favourite colour would be a pre-requisite, if, of course,
she was a female in the accepted sense.
Excellent rhythm and rhyming. This ties this first bit up pretty well. The only bit I didn't really get was the reflection, mentioned above. This has a great tone to it.

But she’s not, so she is going to have to settle
for a few mumbled prayers on my behalf,
and a twenty by twelve.
But unlike you, I doubt I will get to sleep tonight, because
of the niggling sensation that I should, perhaps,
have spent maybe just a few minutes longer
making her site of ‘eternal rest’ slightly safer –
from the feral cats at least.
This stanza is messier. The line breaks could be fixed to try and retain the flow you held in the first stanza, especially the highlighted breaks. This doesn't quite have the same tone to the earlier stanza, either, which could maybe be rectified by a few word choices, maybe "niggling sensation" could be made a bit more your own, although it does give the reader a great sense of relation to the piece. I feel the shape of this is not as consistent as the first, and shape is also important in a poem - it's not just there to be read out, it is there to be seen as well and the more even first stanza was much more aesthetically pleasing.

Oh, and just for the record,
there was no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow -
just a bottle of detergent and an overpriced
visit to the Laundromat.

Eh, maybe I felt this piece deserved a better ending. For me I wanted this to go on a bit longer, retain that tone and flow from the first stanza and then with the ending hit a striking chord, something witty and sharp or even just something bittersweet. This ending is overdone too much, and for me can seem sometimes immature, writer-wise. I think you can review this overall meaning and turn in a better ending that does justice to the igh standard of the rest of the poem.

Thanks snowblind







#11
wow man that is great
now thikig bout it, the connectin you made with the colorful bird and the rainbw is genious
props man

i love the last verse or stanza
beautiful
Call me Sean
Quote by Nilpferdkoenig
He's just trying to protect our innocence.


Yes i am
Quote by :Vicious--

Your flirting powers are incredible.



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#12
Damn you, Nathan, just as I think you can't get any better, you take something as simple as that (what you explained the song was about) and turn it into something beautiful.

DAMN YOU!!!!!


But, as I said, it's beautiful. I loved this bit:

But she’s not, so she is going to have to settle
for a few mumbled prayers on my behalf,
and a twenty by twelve.

Great imagery, and I loved the way you phrased it. I also loved this bit:

Oh, and just for the record,
there was no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow -
just a bottle of detergent and an overpriced
visit to the Laundromat.

Sarcasm and irony and bitterness..........

Are you copying me, or getting inspiration from your real self? Which every it is, it's making for some deep and awesome stuff. Go you.
#13
Haha, thanks.

Your crits make me feel so awesome

I think reading your stuff inspired me to write more like me, if that makes any sense

I'm glad you enjoyed reading it. Thanks again.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.