#1
Time of Procedure [Working Title]
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Pushing out the world, and the door
She didn't need to see it anymore
She knew her charachter was flawed
Time of procedure, not to ignore

Her vircinity's silence seemed like a roar
"This dead town belongs to the shore"
She was so calm, her conscious was in awe
Beautifully mysterious down to the core

Walking up to that high top floor
Past the recruitments of a new age corps
And "that great city, which thou saw"
17:18; a revalation no more

She looked down and breathed nature's rapport
She was not a drunk, a coward or *****
Forgetting God, and the Devil's sharp claw
An abundance of fear, yet comforts galore

Her arms open wide, like a bird to soar
Like a crucifixed son, or a tale of folk-lore
The wind rose and her heart was in yaw
Stepping back to where she would always adore

And that is when she fell.
Last edited by DavidfortheWin at Aug 4, 2007,
#2
Wow. That was gorgeous. Such wonderful vocabulary. Wonderful rhyming scheme as well, none of the rhymes seem forced and it has a nice natural flow.

Just one thing, unless it's done on purpose for some reason, procedure is spelt like that <-.
When altitude dropping, my ears started popping. One more red nightmare...
#4
Time of Procedure [Working Title] Hey I don't know how well the title fits the piece. I mean, it seems to imply some sort of medical operation or something; at least that's what I get from it. I don't really know what to suggest. The songs I've written that I actually like still (only like 4 of them) started with the title as the first thing. I think most people do the title last, but I just suck at making titles, with the exceptions of the ones I come up with before I've written the piece. What I'm trying to say is that any title I come up with probably won't reflect what you want anyway
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Pushing out the world, and the door yea...I'm going to assume you know how to use commas and just ignored the rules for this piece so there'd be pauses where you wanted them and stuff - because as is you missed a bunch and used a bunch incorrectly lol, but this is definitely a neat first line, though what 'door' you mean is sort of unexplained. The door to herself?
She didn't need to see it anymore 'it' being the door? Come on with the unclear antecedents!
She knew her charachter character* was flawed sort of a boring way of saying this
Time of procedure, not to ignore I take from this that it's 'a time to act', but this is such an odd way of saying that, if that is what you are trying to say at all

Her vircinity's silence seemed like a roar well now I just feel ignorant because I have no idea what 'vircinity' is, unless you're making some really weird reference to this computer(ish) company named that I just found on Google lol. Maybe it's a typo, or maybe I'm an idiot, but either way I'd love it if you explained this line to me. I'm guessing it's some culture/religion/etc specific word? "silence seemed like a roar"? Seems a tad cliche to me; I mean, 'the roaring silence' or 'a silence so complete it screamed at me' isn't really a new idea...at all. The juxtaposed ideas are cool, but I thinks it's sort of been done to death. Your call, obviously.
"This dead town belongs to the shore" but why the shore? why not the sea or the bottom of the ocean or hades or something? Because it rhymes? Worst. Reason. to. pick. a. word. ever.!.
She was so calm, her conscious uhmmm, that should either be 'consciousness' or 'consience'. was in awe the idea in this (and the comma splice) irk me. She was so calm that she was in awe? Seems like sort of apposing states of mind to me.
Beautifully mysterious down to the core period? and who was beautifully mysterious - the girl? This seems like a really contrived, forced rhyme. I hate writing with a rhyme scheme (usually) because it makes you not only stray from the exact meaning you want, it makes you use boring words that seem forced. Just my little opinion on rhyme. Some poets do a fantastic job of using a rhyme scheme, see: Poe. I'll readily admit that another reason I don't do it is because my writing sucks enough as is, I don't need to blow both my legs off (using a rhyme scheme) before from Marathon to Athens (writing a little ditty ). How clever was that?!?

Walking up to that high top floor 'walk', 'high', 'top'? looking at the rest of the diction you chose for this song, these words are pretty out-of-place, what some might call 'pedestrian', especially in context with the rest of the piece. Come onnnn
Past the recruitments of a new age corps
And "that great city, which thou saw"
17:18; a revalation no more _very_ cool line, even if i don't know 17:18 (unless it's just that bit about the city?); either way, rhythmically, it's awesome!

She looked down and breathed nature's rapport
She was not a drunk, a coward or ***** the way you list them here is obviously parallel, but I don't think it works very well. To stick with it, shouldn't that be 'or a wh*re'? and the 'was not' as apposed to "wasn't" is sort of weird - that's just me though.
Forgetting God, seemingly random comma...? and the Devil's sharp claw
An abundance of fear, yet comforts galore so since she was about to kill herself she forgot about religion and that scared her because the future was now totally uncertain, but that also gave her comfort? I guess that makes some sense because (*assumes Christianity here*) now it's 'i don't know what will happen' versus the previous 'i'm going to hell for suicide'. Let me know if I'm horribly off here lol

Her arms open wide, like a bird to soar again, terribly cliched image; come up with something original! I know you can
Like a crucifixed son, or a tale of folk-lore shouldn't that be 'crucified'? And I would take that comma out - because 1. it shouldn't be there assuming we're following regular (Canadian ) grammar, and 2. the pause it implies is unneeded and messes up the rhythm. I'd also just say 'or tales of folk-lore' because it reads much more smoothly to me
The wind rose and her heart was in yaw pretty interesting word choice here
Stepping back to where she would always adore like stepping back to days gone by? or...?

And that is when she fell. sort of a 'blah' way to say this bit, but it's alright. I didn't mean any of my criticisms to be harsh; I meant them all to be constructive, so I hope you don't take offense from them. If you have any questions about what I said, ask away, and I'm really looking forward to your answers to my questions Thanks!

Iain.
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
Last edited by iain4444 at Aug 4, 2007,
#6
Iain,

I agree that there were a lot of grammatical errors on my part (it was a first draft in fairness) but I disagree very strongly on one point you made. You seem to think I should explain everything to my readers, but isn't poetry supposed to be your own opinion?

"like stepping back to days gone by? or...?"

I'm not going to hold the readers hand and explain eveything, there has to be some mystery and work done by them lol!

I think you have to try and look at the piece as a whole, as opposed to scrutinising every word of every line, if you understand what I mean?

Oh, and vicinity is like another word for like your "area" or "neighbourhood" or whatever. Nothing at all to do with a computer company at all......
Last edited by DavidfortheWin at Aug 5, 2007,
#7
It is actually vicinity if it is the word I think you mean.

I'll crit this more later though, I have to go soon.
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#9
Quote by DavidfortheWin
Iain,

I agree that there were a lot of grammatical errors on my part (it was a first draft in fairness) but I disagree very strongly on one point you made. You seem to think I should explain everything to my readers, but isn't poetry supposed to be your own opinion?

"like stepping back to days gone by? or...?"

I'm not going to hold the readers hand and explain eveything, there has to be some mystery and work done by them lol!

I think you have to try and look at the piece as a whole, as opposed to scrutinising every word of every line, if you understand what I mean?

Oh, and vicinity is like another word for like your "area" or "neighbourhood" or whatever. Nothing at all to do with a computer company at all......

First of all, thanks for responding! I think it's common courtesy to at least proof read your poetry before you put it up for editing or send it to a friend or anything. You can catch misspelled words just as easily as anyone else. I guess it just really bothers me when I'm editing 4 or 5 essays for friends the night before they're due, and you can tell they haven't read it once since they (just) wrote it - waste of my time. I understand what you're saying about the 'not having everything explained to them' point, and I agree with you. There's definitely a balance you have to find though, the lovely little area between excess and deficiency: virtue

So we have to look at poetry holistically? Fair enough, but I think you have to look at each line and individual phrases as well as the overall effect, or you won't write a fantastic poem or song, always just a 'good' one. And I'm aware of what 'vicinity' means: near you, around you (in general) - well, 'you' is implied unless you give it context. Anyway, I was going to say this before, but it seemed a little harsh. In a few spots it seemed like you were using high-level vocabulary while only partially knowing what it means, or maybe you know what it means but were using it somewhat incorrectly - or it had a different connotation than you intended or something. Always write with words you are comfortable with; this is not to say that you shouldn't try and expand your vocabulary and stuff, but don't just use the word effervescent because you like the way it sounds lol. I hope to see an edited version of this piece sometime soon! Good luck with it, and thanks again
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#10
Alright, I apprecciate the complete honesty. I wasn't trying to punch above my weight, but perhaps it came out that way. Thanks again for your words, and once again I apologise for the poor grammar and spelling throughout.
#11
Dear Iain
To Be perfectly honest your "constructive criticism" is anything but constructive. What you did was take a piece of poetry and completely took it apart, limb from limb, now I may not be the worlds most cunning linguist, but that certainly is not constructive. machines are meant to taken apart, not pieces of art, so why do it to this. I found your comments to not only be beside the the point but just to be looking for flaws. For god sake picking out grammar mistakes and claiming it is "common courtesy" to spell check is just plain arrogance that you feel you are too good to read misspelled words. Did it really make the poem so unbearable to read, if it did i really feel that you should be reading manuals, not poetry.
I completely Agree with 'davidforthewin' how can you expect the poet to explain every detail to the reader. In fact leaving holes in poetry is sometimes what makes a poem great, because it leaves the reader filling the the gaps with his or hers own personal take on it, makes the poem appeal to them. Now if your comments are you personal take on the gaps fair enough, but they really miss the whole point of poetry in general. To round off this little rant i am on now, i feel you were both patronizing and ignorant to the true way of enjoying poetry, but hey what do i know, thats just my opinion!
Kini
Last edited by Kini-Keen at Aug 6, 2007,