#1
Swimmin’ In The Breeze
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This Is a peom I wrote that I made into a song. Crit 4 crit. It's a donovan like piece.


Verse 1/ Refrain:
See the world pass before your eyes
All A-Flame
See the tree’s fall to the ground
What a shame

Chorus:
Take the Time
To Free Your Mind
Come Swim in the Breeze with Me

Verse 2:
Sunshine Is Here Again To Bring Us
The Sun
Noontime Stars Come Out
To Jump the Gun

(Chorus)

Verse 3:
Rain Pours over the Landscape
Like Tears
Look Back ON Your Life & See
Faded Years

(Chorus)

Bridge 1:
Up In the Sky
There’s No Need to Cry
Cause You’ve Escaped Everything
Swim In the Breeze
High above the Tree’s
& you need only to Sing

Verse 4:
Sing, the Blue-Jay
Serenades Me
Soft Willows Way to the Kind
Melody

(Chorus)

Bridge 2;
Up near the Sun
You can’t help but Have fun
Because you’ve Left all Your Troubles Behind
Floating & Dancing
Sunbeams start prancing
But Not a Thought enters Your Mind


(Refrain)

Chorus/ Outro:

Take The Time
To Free Your Mind
Come Swim In The Breeze With Me
Come Swim In The Breeze With Me
Come & See My Soft Melody
Come Swim in The Breeze With Me
#2
Hey,
Nice. I was a little worried at first but when you think of it as a Donovan/P.P. & M. sort of thing, it works pretty well. I like how you create the floating/unattached/blowin' in the wind vibe with the choruses. Seems like it would work well as leaning a little more to the psychedelic maybe with some strings working in the background. In terms of actually words and verses, I think you capture the early '60s folk genre pretty well and it worked for me.

Good job. If you have time, I'd really appreciate a crit/comment on either or both if you have time, of these:

Shark on a Mission
Kerouac vs. The Death of Idea.

Cheers,
- PunkFish