#1
heres a song i wrote, bout a week ago. i like it alot and it is basiccaly talking about the environment (not because its the "in" thing, because it is a concern for me.) anyways it follows a rather prog rock progression with lots of melodic changes, and a tempo change in the last bridge. here it is

frozen monument:

2,000 years have come and gone.
mudbrick buildings line the street,
a frozen monument of a better time,
but still they crumble beneath your feet.

what happened to this world so grand?
you can hardly see through the haze.
if i could make you understand,
we'd bring it back to its glory days.

chorus
you dont have to go along.
you can put up a fight.
we'll prove them all so wrong,
and ourselves so right.

dont ever trust the men in charge,
thet'll never come through for you.
never trust the dogs at large,
they'll eat from your hand and bite it to.

bridge
december lakes make me feel so cold,
but its the tenth of july.
those black smoke stacks are getting old,
i wonder if they even try,
to pick up there mess,
to think of what they've done,
the planets in distress,
and there's only one.

chorus


so thanks in advance. crit for crit, though i might wait for a while until i see something that i very much like before critting.
jackson dinky build!

do you live in a country?


pics dude or a vid of you trying to say 'bananaramapancake'
so it comes out brabrabrabwabwa

^about when i came home from the dentist and my face was numb from novacaine.
#2
thanks for the crit i hate when people just say it sucks, maybe it does but why? anyways i like your song you put up here, good imagery.
#3
I liked it, especially the opening. I'm not sure what i'd change in it other than that the chorus seems a little weak but other than that it was good. Definently post a recording of it if you get a chance.
#4
soz its taken a bit longer than i thought but heres ur crit



frozen monument:

2,000 years have come and gone.
mudbrick buildings line the street,
a frozen monument of a better time,
but still they crumble beneath your feet.

what happened to this world so grand?
you can hardly see through the haze.
if i could make you understand,
we'd bring it back to its glory days.

really like these two verse's
they're powerful and paint pictures.
try not to change em too much :p


chorus
you dont have to go along.
you can put up a fight.
we'll prove them all so wrong,
and ourselves so right.

the chorus is pretty good, except it feels a tad short, otherwise great

dont ever trust the men in charge,
thet'll never come through for you.
never trust the dogs at large,
they'll eat from your hand and bite it to.
good verse again, last line though doesnt seem to click for me.

bridge
december lakes make me feel so cold,
but its the tenth of july.
those black smoke stacks are getting old,
i wonder if they even try,
to pick up there mess,
to think of what they've done,
the planets in distress,
and there's only one.

love the bridge, "but its the tenth of july" to me feels like just a filler, it doesnt really have much meaning in there.

#5
thanks all for the crits. about the tenth of july remark, it was basically just to complete the thought that the entire weather system is messed up and backwards. in my area all the logging companys are going to vermont because there was a tornado there. who's ever heard of a tornado in vermont! hope that helps explain it a bit.
jackson dinky build!

do you live in a country?


pics dude or a vid of you trying to say 'bananaramapancake'
so it comes out brabrabrabwabwa

^about when i came home from the dentist and my face was numb from novacaine.
#6
Quote by suminorudder
heres a song i wrote, bout a week ago. i like it alot and it is basiccaly talking about the environment (not because its the "in" thing, because it is a concern for me.)


Don't start off a thread like this with a justification of your topic. It just makes you sound desperate to be taken seriously, and then the reader, most likely, WON'T take you seriously...

Quote by suminorudder

anyways it follows a rather prog rock progression with lots of melodic changes, and a tempo change in the last bridge. here it is

frozen monument:

2,000 years have come and gone.
mudbrick buildings line the street,
a frozen monument of a better time,


So the mudbrick buildings are the monument of a better time? What time are you referring to? And why was it better? If you just throw out a judgement like that, it sounds extremely naive. And the question "what exactly is the monument" is a key weakness in the lyrics -- more on that a bit later. But basically, the big flaw with this image is that it is too vague to actually refer to anything -- if you have a specific picture, or monument in mind, you should use more descriptive words than "mudbrick building," and "street". If you refer to any actual architectural features, you can evoke the actual scene in the mind of your listener.

Quote by suminorudder


but still they crumble beneath your feet.


So you have a narrator and a subject. Why is the subject in the presence of 2,000 year old buildings, and, presumably, walking on them? Who is the narrator. You haven't set the stage for the witness of this moment ("you"), so it's just this random "hey you, there's old stuff around, and times were good back when that old stuff was made" -- which is painfully trite.

Quote by suminorudder


what happened to this world so grand?
you can hardly see through the haze.



Is the subject in LA now? What happened to the mudbrick building lined streets? You seem to be taking the subject on a tour of the world to lament the damage some societies are wreaking on it -- but there are no "landmarks" for the listener to track that journey. And there are LOTS of places in the US and around the world that don't have hazy problems -- that tends to be a city problem, right? But by saying "what happened to this world" you make it sound like the whole planet is under a blanket of smog -- which, obviously, just isn't the case. If you're lamenting the condition of one AREA, you might want to focus the listener on that area.

Quote by suminorudder


if i could make you understand,
we'd bring it back to its glory days.



What glory days?? "Glory" is really an unfortunate word choice there -- people rarely refer to the days of unspoiled land as the "glory days." And you're really begging the question -- was it really better back then? Is that really a debate you want to get into in this song, or are you actually talking about the raw damage that's being done? You're straddling those themes, and not hitting either effectively.

And "if I could make you understand" reeks of condescension. It's way too preachy. Plus it introduces "I" which focuses the listener on the singer as the preachy mofo, which doesn't really work well for anyone other than Henry Rollins...

Quote by suminorudder


chorus
you dont have to go along.

With what?
Quote by suminorudder

you can put up a fight.

Against what or whom?
Quote by suminorudder

we'll prove them all so wrong,
and ourselves so right.

About what?

This is a very cliche rant -- "we're right, they're wrong, and we need to fight to prove it"..."you've gotta fight, for your right, to party"...etc. You haven't made a point yet for your chorus to stand in defense of. Something about the pre-haze glory days...way way way too wishy washy and vague. Basically this says "you have to stand up and fight for what I'm saying about how stuff sucks, and we should go back to the time when stuff didn't suck." Needs work.

Quote by suminorudder

dont ever trust the men in charge,
thet'll never come through for you.
never trust the dogs at large,
they'll eat from your hand and bite it to.


Again, the "don't trust people in power" is way too cliche. And here, overbroad -- don't trust anyone in charge. So, you're telling the audience to listen to YOU, but not to anyone else...eh?

And the dogs biting the hand that feeds them...aside from being another horrible cliche, it doesn't quite work. If you're talking about the people in charge, why in the world would they have to eat from your hand? The "don't bite the hand that feeds you" is about a power-dynamic where the "dog" is the disempowered one, and the "hand that feeds you" is your source of help. So, get it? Don't screw with the person helping you. But in your chorus, you're suggesting that the people in charge would have a reason to eat from the hands of the disempowered masses (the masses you're trying to rally to fight). Doesn't work.

Quote by suminorudder



bridge
december lakes make me feel so cold,
but its the tenth of july.


"December lakes" implies a person swimming IN DECEMBER. But you're trying to say the waters are as cold as December lakes -- try juggling the words there to get more of a simile effect. And as was pointed out, saying "the tenth" suggests meaning, but you didn't intend that. That's distracting to your audience, and detracts from your message. Plus it's a missed opportunity. Pick a significant summer date, and give your listeners something to think about.

Quote by suminorudder

those black smoke stacks are getting old,


?? You're lamenting the presence of them -- saying they're "getting old" suggests the problem may be going away. You want to highlight how they keep popping up. Or, if you've read up on the pollution issue, they keep getting higher to get around environmental regulations. And I think you're talking about factory smoke stacks -- there's an actual term for those that works well lyrically. I'll let you track that down.

Quote by suminorudder


i wonder if they even try,
to pick up there mess,
to think of what they've done,


Do you? Do you wonder if they try to pick up their mess and think of what they've done? Do you really think the problem would be as bad as you suggest it is if they WERE trying? This stanza almost sounds sympathetic -- as if to say the polluters are just unaware. But earlier you insisted you wanted to "prove them wrong" which suggests they are taking these actions willfully, and need to be stopped. That's a disconnect you should iron out.

Quote by suminorudder


the planets in distress,
and there's only one.



A big problem here is that, again, it sounds really really naive. If you're talking about global problems or large-scale problems, get something more specific in the spotlight, not just this general "distress." And you might consider how your comment stands in a debate with someone who DOESN'T care about the planet. You don't call out any actual signs that the planet is in distress -- HUMANS are in distress in places, but the planet? And as for "there's only one" -- most polluters would point out that they'll be LONG dead before anything global goes tragic. Plus, in 5 million years, the planet is going to disintegrate anyway, under the heat of the sun. So the fact that there is only one (which isn't a definite fact, by the way) isn't really something a lot of people care about. A more common theme is "what kind of mess are you leaving to your children."

Quote by suminorudder



chorus


And the last glaring problem is one I see all the time. Your song is titled "Frozen Monument," and you refer to a "frozen monument" in the first verse. But that's the end of it. The rest is an unfocused rant about how things suck, and you're right while the people in power are wrong. Where did the "frozen monument" go? If it's the central image, it needs to play a role in the whole song (or should, anyway). And, for that matter, you never really made it clear WHAT the monument was. The 2000 year old buildings that somehow are NOW crumbling (despite surviving for 2000 years). The "crumbling" could be a metaphor for a lot of things, but you don't really use it for much more than a lead in to this overbroad notion that the world is "in distress."

All in all, it sounds like you started out with an image and a theme, but didn't know how to build on it, so you drifted off into the juvenile ranting. What I might suggest:

(1) Take that image again, and refine it -- make it more meaningful and rich so it can work as a good symbol.
(2) Then take the rest of the song as it's currently written, and do a bunch of stream-of-consciousness writing with those concepts as your starting point. Work up some new concepts and expressions. Focus the anger that you're trying to convey, put more thought into the players in the song (you/narrator, subject/protagonist, and who is the antagonist, etc.).
(3) Then take a fresh sheet of paper, and that heap of SOC writing, and pull language out from it to build your lyrical structures. You can use the first draft as a point of reference to keep you focused on your themes.

Cheers!

ltt