so im really ****in pissed right now, and i started ranting. i started typin **** down... i was probably gonna go post it on a blog or somethin like that. but i decided hey why not make this rhyme? so after about a minute of typing and a few more tryin to make it rhyme, i came up with this:

i feel like screaming
i feel like running
i feel like ****
the end is coming

i havent plucked a string
nor lay down lead
for the past week
ive been feeling dead

slowly moving
the days pass by
my hands grow weaker
along with my mind

all of a sudden
my world of pretend
begins to close in
bringing the end


im thinkin of adding more and maybe making it into another song, but i dont know.
It certainly shows some promise, and I like the "plucked a string or laid down lead for the past week bit" but the most noticable thing about it is how much you rushed it. You say that it came of the top of your head , more or less, and it shows. I think you should definitely spend some more time on it, trying to refine it.

It's great to write down your thoughts as they come to you, but I usually find that the results need work later on when you can look at your words objectively.
There is poetry in despair.
Yeah dude, it is rushed. But it's actually pretty cool.
I've got a pretty similar one right now. I wrote it in total rage (it's called "untitled (for now)", check it out if you can
I suggest you go over this with a clear head and amend some stuff that doesnt make sense (it happens when you write in rage)