#1
This is the first poem I've ever written that I really felt came out well some crit would be appreciated


It’s going to rain today
And your tears echo the end
A deluge of despair
Beckoning the graceful passing

Lightning breaks the hazy dawn
And muffled breaths are drowned
A crack blasts across the dark
The thunder has begun

puddles scrawled along the floor
A crimson tide dots the aftermath
Bruised tissue and a broken hope
A waterfall erupting from the blood

But the storm will pass
And the rivers will dry
The floods may kill a bud
But the red rose stills lives on
Dart of the Dragoons Pm big_deth to join
#2
This is the first poem I've ever written that I really felt came out well some crit would be appreciated


It’s going to rain today
And your tears echo the end
A deluge of despair
Beckoning the graceful passing
the second line seems both sudden and unexplained


Lightning breaks the hazy dawn
And muffled breaths are drowned
A crack blasts across the dark
The thunder has begun
wouldnt the thunder blast across the silence? the contrast of light and dark really only works if youre still talking about the lightning :P


puddles scrawled along the floor
A crimson tide dots the aftermath
Bruised tissue and a broken hope
A waterfall erupting from the blood
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_tide. anyways, a few things here feel out of place. for example, a tide is huge, and not the sort of thing you would compare to a dot. equally so, a waterfall usually doesnt come from an eruption, theyre sortof at odds

But the storm will pass
And the rivers will dry
The floods may kill a bud
But the red rose stills lives on

i really love this stanza, except the internal rhyme of floods and bud seems to cheapen it





all in all (meaning aside from my obsessive criticism), this way very good, and great for a first effort. keep posting man!

crit for crit?

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=611287