#1
So i just wrote this and i was wondering what you think?
the words in stars are screams.
and its a sort of loud moshy type song.

Thanks.


That one time in your life,
You think its going great,
But all the time,
People are hiding stuff from you.

You Know How it feels when you think your in love, *In Love*
Then Something Happens which
*rips out your Heart,
It feels like Your Lost in unknown Waters,
And you Dont want to wake up there*,


And Your worlds
been pulled to pieces,
And you cant redo the Stiches,
Its Crashing down,
But you dont care,
You'll sit, watch, and
You wont give a damn about it.

There's always a time where we feel Down,
But if you keep on track,
*You will Survive*


*Its Crashing Down*

Its Crashing Down

When will the world,
Release me form this punishment,


*Keep On track*

And you'll survive

*Hold your Head High*

Keep up strong

Listen to the Bullies
and you wont last much longer,
So Lock the doors,
and hide the keys,

*we all die sometime*

Your time isnt Now.

And Your worlds
been pulled to pieces,
And you cant redo the Stiches,
Its Crashing down,
But you dont care,
You'll sit, watch, and
You wont give a damn about it.

*Just dont give a damn about it.*
#2
It makes me sad to see someone with no crits, so I decided to take a look at this. Forgive me, but I'm going to be quite frank here - I don't like it.

I think the theme you chose is a little tired and cliche. The first verse in particular was very unoriginal, as was the line "and your world's been pulled to pieces". In my mind, it needs a complete rewrite after you have sat down and read some good quality lyrics and learnt from them. However, I think it could benefit nicely from some vocabulary changes. In this sense it is quite unimaginative, which makes it boring and derivative.

For example, maybe you could change the "redo the stitches" to "replace the sutures"? Just try and get a little more creative with your choice in words.

Sorry if I was a little harsh, but I think you should be honest when critiqueing (sp?) peoples work.
There is poetry in despair.