#1
Haven't posted anything in quite sometime so ...

c4c. Dunno about the title... just something I stuck there cause it fit [in my mind at least]. Its definately not my usual style, not that I have a usual, so yeah , I'm not sure about this piece.

Be harsh if you really want, just remember to make it constructive

Oh and I'm not 100% sure about the punctuation and the way I've split this into stanzas, so any suggestions on that would be awesome thanks

“The moon; the amateur dramatic.”

So sow your mouth shut, with this thread of guilt
And lets see who croaks first. Not you, not me.

That needle has numbed your tongue,
And I have more sense then lawyers.
Yeah, People say I’m strange but
Does that make me a stranger?

But I’m no stranger to you,
And no stranger than you, it’s true.
So Rest your eyes tonight, and
Show your secrete to the owls.
Let them take flight,
Let them take the night.

We’re going nowhere fast again
We’re singing songs of hurricanes
So bless the siren’s sound,
Yeah, bless the siren’s sound …

Yet “What’s the point of bathos
when you’re incapable of suspense?”
#3
When I wrote this I wasn't really thinking of it being a song but to be honest it could be. The question on my mind then would have been what style, if any, to put it in .... so thanks for the idea.

If I do turn this into a song it will probably end up as an ambient thing I guess. Plenty of jazz could easily be thrown in there though. In fact i quiet like that idea hehe

Oh and no problem on the crit front,
cheers for the return.
#4
I think it's alright, but you've got some spelling errors in there. I also feel that it's a bit scattered, maybe if you made it longer and more specific it'd have a lot more potential. Nice work though.
Drop another coin in the slot, and I will tell you more...
#5
spelling errors... I can't actually see any and neither can word. hmmm... could it be the british english difference in words thing. or whatever.

Cheers for the crit though, I'm trying to sort out the choppiness so if anyone has and suggestions on that that'd be awesome.
#6
the needle numbed your tongue
im smarter than the lawyers

So Rest your eyes tonight, and
reveal your sweet secret
let the owls take flight
yeah let them have the night

those are some things i did to make it flow better, i unno if you like them but thanks for the crit and i liked it but im more of aliteral guy when it comes to lyrics. They seemed really spacey too.good luck man
#7
It's very good. Not much rhyme in it, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Some internal rhyming could help it flow better in my opinion. The repetition of stranger is pretty good as well, it strengthens what your trying to get across.

That needle has numbed your tongue,
And I have more sense then lawyers.

They're my fav lines, i especially love the second line which is somewhat witty. Nice song overall. I would love to hear how you put it to music.
#8
Thanbks for the cirt. I appreciate. Personally, I think nyou could expand this piece, but as it stands right now, it's really good. I liked the lack of rhyme, however, I think you repeat things too much. And I really wasn't feeling "the owl" line. I would drop the "but" on the third line of the second stanza. And I would get rid of the "And" at the beginning of the second line of the second stanza.
#9
Yeah just to iterate what people have said. I think you have the right ideas but either you just overuse them, or don't explore them and go with the first thing you think of.

That needle has numbed your tongue,
And I have more sense then lawyers.


Here is an example of the latter. It's such a weak metaphor, the lines don't really relate and so I feel nothing from them. The lawyer line just falls short of being anything worth while.
Whereas:

Yeah, People say I’m strange but
Does that make me a stranger?


This would have been spot on, great wordplay, but yet you go on to use it over again and it just looses all the impact. It felt like you had to use them again for them to make sense, which is untrue. I also didn't see the purpose of capitalising 'People' or 'Rest' and you do have a spelling mistake.

Show your secrete to the owls

Unless you always show what you ooze to owls? As said it's also not a great line, the metaphor is ill thought out. While you have the right idea and you're well on way as a writer it just sounds as though you went with the first thing you thought of about night. A good writer will go with the 3rd; really try and tie the meanings down better.

We’re going nowhere fast again
We’re singing songs of hurricanes
So bless the siren’s sound,
Yeah, bless the siren’s sound …


L1 really undervalues the piece. L2 needs expansion, the premise is there but it's significance to the piece is minor, so take one more line to really tie it into the piece. L3 + L4 work.

The last lines are spot on.

So yeah you get my point, hope that helped. There's a piece in my sig (amaranth) if you could.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Aug 8, 2007,
#10
I really liked it. But to me the start didnt really seem like the start of something, I dunno, to me it feelt like it the second half of something and it needs something before it to build up lead up to that. Other then that it was pretty damn good in my opinion.

Sorry for any poor grammar/wording

cheers
There! Murder! Death! Duck! Dead! Death f**king dead! There, the duck is dead!
#11
I enjoyed some of the wordplay, although some of the repetition of stranger got to me ever-so-slightly
#12
i enjoyed it it could be a bit longer tho c4c
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