#1
felt like writing. leave a link - c4c. I'm not sure what it will turn into, a poem or song, or some long song.

REVISED!!!!!! please check it out if you've citiqued it

Eclipse In Your Eyes

Verse 1
Glancing at the miracles dashed upon your walls,
Absorbing your fondest memories.
Eclipsing eyes I feed upon your sacred identity.
Cursing at the portait of your beautiful face,
Trapped in a spider-web of tears.
Eclipsing eyes I've watched you dissapear.

Chorus
A crystal creature chained to hell, drowned by the tolling of the bells.
Eclipsing moons and turning tombs in search of you
This chamber in which I am held, drowning in its wells.
Eclipsing moons and turning tombs in search of you.
I never thought I would beleive.....

Verse 2
Following the path of roses leading to her castle,
Cursing my haunted memories.
Eclipsing eyes I've been thrust into insanity.
Swimming through the oceans of the dead,
Choking on my deepest fears.
Eclpising eyes I've chosen to end it here.

Chorus
A crystal creature chained to hell, drowned by the tolling of the bells.
Eclipsing moons and turning tombs in search of you
This chamber in which I am held, drowning in its wells.
Eclipsing moons and turning tombs in search of you.
I never thought I would beleive.....

Bridge
The stars have alligned, obscurely outlining my sacred quest.
The moons tears have built a stairway to her castle in the sky,
Caressing the night with silver slides.
I wearily stumble up the silver stairway with my heart in my hands.
After all these years I never thought I would beleive......

Instrumental to break it up

Chorus
A crystal creature chained to hell, drowned by the tolling of the bells.
Eclipsing moons and turning tombs in search of you
This chamber in which I am held, drowning in its wells.
Eclipsing moons and turning tombs in search of you.
I never thought I would beleive.....

End
Last edited by AgainsTheMirror at Aug 10, 2007,
#2
I like the Chorus – particularly the repetition of “Eclipsing moons and turning tombs in search of you”. I think it would work well as a song.

I’m not totally sure about the 1st verse:
“Through these eyes I feed upon your sacred identity.” - I found it hard to find a natural rhythm in this line following on from the previous two. Changing it to something else all depends on what you are trying to say.
“Through these eyes I've witnessed life only to crawl back into insanity” – I like the line but I think it is a little long (by about 1 syllable) perhaps jig/change the words to shorten it a bit? Perhaps: “Through these eyes I've witnessed life only to crawl back to insanity”
I did feel a little lost when reading this verse – great imagery – I know what I’m thinking but I don’t know if it’s what I am meant to be thinking/seeing.

I like the 2nd Verse – I think I know why I prefer it to the 1st. Its because of the rhyme between: Choking on my deepest fears./ Through these eyes I've witnessed death only to live my darkest years. Perhaps change the 2nd to last line in the 1st verse to do the same? That will be tricky though!

I hope this is some help.

p.s. i have replied to your crit on My City Prison - would be good to know if the changes make sense.
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Try that with your rocker 30


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#3
This is a truly amazing piece of writing, I loved every bit of it, especially the chorus. This is one of te most unique pieces I've ever read on here. I cant wait to hear the music (if you have any). The best bits were -

Following the path of roses leading to his castle
And
A crystal creature chained to hell, drowned by the tolling of the bells.

Thanks for the crit on mine.
Raise your chalice my brother
Raise it high
To catch the fire that falls from the sky
#4
I don't really have anything to suggest; this is far better then I can do. I very much enjoyed reading it.
#6
I tried to critique it 2 times and both time my pc hang on me. So I'm gonna write u a short one but I'll cover everything.

the big lines of stanza 1 and 3 seems a bit forced maybe u can break it into pieces. And in 1st stanza in 4th line when u introduced "His" suddenly. It sounded a little absurd .
Some of the lines can be tweaked to flow better and some words can be replaced by metaphors and plz get rid of hellish it sounds stupid to me. I really like the title and imagery u used in between but if u want to expand it .You'll have to devlop the story for it. Just work on your story telling technique . As this is not totally finished i can't say overall it's like this or that but it seems good as a [piece to me. I know my crit is not as gr8 as urs but don't worry I'll crit ur next one to return the favour.


Andy
Hi
#8
I thoroughly enjoyed it. The words were deep and had some colorful vocabulary. The only problem I have is, it did not flow well in some spots. i.e. "The stars have alligned, obscurely outlining my sacred quest." Other than that, fantastic piece of writing.
SAVE THE JAZZ

"Remember, there are two kinds of people in the world:
People who finish things, and"
#10
this is pretty good man. i love the spiderwebs of tears. to me it provides the imagery of endless tears. hence the spiderweb. i love the chorus. it seems to be about isolation to me. and that speaks to alot of people im sure. i think you should turn this into a song. not just a poem.