#1
Crit 4 Crit . My last piece was totally based ona stupid theory which i have devloped and I"m proud of it. Tell me what do u think about this one

Perception or clarity


Some people have a unique ability to see through objects and actions. As if, they were born aware of the secret that “Every object’s primary action is just a deception, its real purpose is something secondary”. I was object of my conscience and somewhere along the way. I lost it…

Every soul travelling down the road desires a common reward from life. A reward that varies in name but serves, the same purpose “Happiness”. A white stripe that bisects the pathway that can connect different people with different faces, witnesses all these whispering desires. Call it irony or term it as an observation “not very witness is capable of breaking the silence”. Every time the silence breaks, the words act as a plow but instead of cultivating the similarities between our minds. They dig a deep hole in some hearts that are closer to oblivion but do not want to take a step further. Maybe that is the reason why not all man made things are gifted artificial intelligence.

Two wise men arranged their priorities by organizing a lucky draw. One ended up in public shelter for homeless people whereas the other one ended up in a five star hotel room .All there lives they thought about heaven and hell and died in the end. Unfortunately, enough, both of them suffered a painful death and never returned to give their loved ones the description of both the places .Every religion talks about hell and measures to avoid it. Sadly, none of them breaks the silent code of observation i.e. “Hell and heaven are just two simple words that are used to describe one’s living “.Maybe union of preacher’s don’t want to lose their source of income.

People fell in love with deception maybe that’s why they never witness clarity or clarity resides in a dark place and feeds on human emotion…


Thnx for reading
Hi
#2
*claps* i read this over a couple times and i can reely see what your saying in this, its a very interesting observation you have, and its pretty down to earth but at the same time technical, i'm not sure how well received this will be just because i'm a philospher myself and just about ask every question possible to make my own decisions on what i beleive. truly beautiful way to portray your thoughts. bravo.
#3
Thnx for looking. I don't really care how recieved this will be.I am glad that u liked it . It's open to interpretation .I will explain mine once i get some more critiques .I will get to ur piece tonight i promise.
Hi
#4
I'm critting you, bitch! **** this looks long. But I owe you so:

Perception or clarity


Some people have a unique ability to see through objects and actions. As if, they were born aware of the secret that “Every object’s primary action is just a deception, its real purpose is something secondary”. I was object of my conscience and somewhere along the way, I lost it…
I like this it's a strong opening paragraph. I love the last line though I have changed the full-stop to a comma. I like the diction. It's good. My only complaint is that the quotation seems unneeded. Unless it actually is a quote I have never heard.

Every soul travelling down the road desires a common reward from life. A reward that varies in name but serves, the same purpose “Happiness”. Happiness is great. I think you should change the second reward for: Something that... A white stripe that bisects the pathway that can connect different people with different faces, witnesses all these whispering desires.Something is wrong here, it seems kind of strange. I think witnesses is in the wrong tense or something like that. OR maybe is witnesses of. Yeah That sounds more logical Call it irony or term itTerm it sounds slightly overdone. Dare I say slightly pompous. as an observation “not very witness is capable of breaking the silence”.Typo in very I believe Every time the silence breaks, the words act as a ploughSpelling here I changed. I'm not sure though. but instead of cultivating the similarities between our minds. They dig a deep hole in some hearts that are closer to oblivion but do not want to take a step further. Up to here it gets a bit jumbled. I don't know why but it starts making less and less sense as you go along.Maybe that is the reason why not all man made things are gifted artificial intelligence.

Two wise men arranged their priorities by organizing a lucky draw. One ended up in public shelter for homeless people whereas the other one ended up in a five star hotel room .All there lives they thought about heaven and hell and died in the end. Unfortunately, enough, both of them suffered a painful death and never returned to give their loved ones the description of both the places .Every religion talks about hell and measures to avoid it. Sadly, none of them breaks the silent code of observation i.e. “Hell and heaven are just two simple words that are used to describe one’s living “.Maybe union of preacher’s don’t want to lose their source of income.

People fell in love with deception maybe that’s why they never witness clarity or clarity resides in a dark place and feeds on human emotion…

Nice ending it's very nice, a question left in the air yet it doesn't have the stupidity of a rhetorical one. I really like this, Andy. Even though in a first read I had no clue what you were talking about the overall effect was great. You improve every time I read you. I hope this helped. Take a look at my short poem untitled? I will edit in the link in a second.
#5
"A reward that varies in name but serves, the same purpose “Happiness”"

Don't really like that line. It just seems a bit, I dunno, cheesy I guess. I wouldn't put so much emphasis on the word Happiness on the sentance if I was you, slip it into the middle or put it at the start, where as right at the end in quotations - you've written it in neon lights and it just seems a bit too much for me .

Other than that I thought the whole thing was good, though I got a bit bored about halfway through, Nothing in paticular, the writing was good, the language was good etc. etc. blah blah blah but it just kind of lost my interest, it came on a bit strong I think. Maybe break it up a bit more?

I mean you're clearly a very talented writer and it's a brilliant piece of writing so my only crits are really just nitpicking 'cos i dig the piece.