#1
This is hopefully going to be a song

The first 2 parts are meant to be quite slow (one line at a time), the song then speeds up with the 3rd section.

Thoughts would be nice.

My City Prison

Do you know the fear of being
Wishing that you weren’t
No nothing major nothing wrong
But something’s not alright

Do you feel the sense of longing
Enter in your thoughts
An often wonder knowing hunger
I’m leaving here tonight

I’m feeling now this city it’s just not me
I’m screaming can’t you see the insanity
Damn people in their numbers
Crunching numbers; it’s their day
All Money paid for making money
So afraid that nothing’s coming
And many things begin another way

A prison here no gates or bars
We all look up and see them
You will come but few can go
The exit’s signed but never shown
The price of freedom one pound of flesh
The price of freedom show no distress
The City Prison paved with gold
The City Prison your soul is sold
The City Prison walled with nothing
In City Prison we’ll all be something

My City Prison shines so brightly
Burning dreams to keep the stars
My City Prison your stay is likely
Captured without gates or bars

Edited following crits
Quote by philjay
*Picks up TT like handbag and smacks you over the head like an angry granny *
Try that with your rocker 30


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Last edited by Qazo at Aug 9, 2007,
#2
the first two parts were ehh.... but the latter were pretty good. i had a tough time reading the first parts. let me fix them or give ou an example

Do you know -
The fear of being - The fear of feeling lost
Wishing where - wishing that
You weren’t -
No nothing major -
Nothing wrong -
But something’s not alright - but something's not right

i just feel that the overall language is thrown off, it jumps from place to place, work on it overall its a cool idea and with those changes it could be better. maybe crit mine? Eclipse In Your Eyes - on first page
#3
That's really good. it kind of reminds me of Hotel California by the eagles. i really don't have any complaints. when i first read it i thought that the last line of the first stanza was too long and so it threw off the flow. but then the second and third time i read it i thought it was ok. so idk it might be something worth looking at. great job. could you crit Cold-Hearted? it's in my sig..
#5
Cheers for the comments guys. In response; the the 1st 2 stanzas they were originally like this - see below(note the change from "Wishing where"). I split the lines up to try and help get the slowness of these 2 verses when people were reading them - guess it didn't work!!

Do they make more sense when put together like this?

P.s. check your posts for crits - i'll do them today.

Do you know the fear of being
Wishing that you weren’t
No nothing major nothing wrong
But something’s not alright

Do you feel the sense of longing
Enter in your thoughts
An often wonder knowing hunger
I’m leaving here tonight
Quote by philjay
*Picks up TT like handbag and smacks you over the head like an angry granny *
Try that with your rocker 30


Latest Songs & Poems

[thread="1404112"] Blaze (Music)[/thread]
[thread="1207211"] Evening Sunshine (Music)[/thread]
[thread="899566"] To Wonder (Music)[/thread]
[thread="960046"]Dreams[/thread]