#1
Cheesey song with a simple metaphor. Have at it. critforcrit

Rain Forever

Verse:
I walk along roads in the evening
I lie awake in my bed
Nightmares turn out to be memories
Storm clouds gather over my head

I'll lay in my bed until morning
And I'll wait for the sun to shine
I'll try to look for a rainbow
I'll try to hold onto my mind

Chorus:
And I don't think it can rain forever
And the waters wash old things away
And thunder and lightning grow distant
But some things will remain the same

Verse:
A good storm can dampen an evening
But sure seems to help things to grow
And if the cold starts to get to you
Come to me, I'll give you a home

Valleys can turn into oceans
And cities can fade over time
And rainbows may be over-rated
But remind me of mountains I've climbed

(Chorus)

Bridge:
So you drain water out of your basement
And chase demons off of your shelf
'cause you don't get less of a beating
Just by choosing to give it yourself

(Chorus)
#2
Quote by Devil_Duck
Cheesey song with a simple metaphor. Have at it. critforcrit

Rain Forever

Verse:
I walk along roads in the evening
I lie awake in my bed
Nightmares turn out to be memories
Storm clouds gather over my head

really liked how u planned the stuff and it went off pretty well.It flowed gr8

I'll lay in my bed until morning
And I'll wait for the sun to shine
I'll try to look for a rainbow
I'll try to hold onto my mind

Nice again .only if u can reduce some "I'LL". it will add much more impact.it's good now but can be made better

Chorus:
And I don't think it can rain forever
And the waters wash old things away
And thunder and lightning grow distant
But some things will remain the same

last line is a boit of cliche but it works quite well with the above lines

Verse:
A good storm can dampen an evening
But sure seems to help things to grow-->take out seasm show certainity
And if the cold starts to get to you
Come to me, I'll give you a home

Not as good as the above ones imagery wise othewrwise flowed gr8

Valleys can turn into oceans
And cities can fade over time
And rainbows may be over-rated
But remind me of mountains I've climbed

loved this stanza . I wish i would have thought of them

(Chorus)

Bridge:
So you drain water out of your basement
And chase demons off of your shelf
'cause you don't get less of a beating
Just by choosing to give it yourself


Nice bridge
(Chorus)



Overall the song has nice vibe flows good . I 'll really buy it if it's sung right.Don't have any major problem with it. I have a piece called precption or clarity.It's on the first page i guess.Check it when you're free.keep posy\ting

here's the link
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=646444

Andy
Hi
#3
abhishek21 gave a pretty much said all that need be said, the peice is great already but fixing a few hiccups here and there will only improve it, i vastly enjoyed reading this and if you ever made it into a song i'd want to hear it.

I'll try to hold onto my mind - that was a sorta weak line. one thing you can work on
and like he said all the I'll get kinda meh......

the bridge and the last part of the last verse were my favs.

myabe crit mine? Eclipse In Your Eyes - In Sig
#4
I really like it – I read it through quite a few times trying to find stuff to comment on – I couldn’t really find much (bit annoying as I had decided to do a proper full crit!!) But anyway here are some things I might change but it all depends on the song you have in your head (if you get what I mean) – here goes;

Overall Comments:
I like the idea and I think you do a really good job of using a single metaphor but at the same time not overusing it.
You perhaps overuse/repeat words like “I’ll” and “And”.

V1
Storm clouds gather over my head - Storm clouds gather o’er my head (slight rhythm change)

Chorus
And I don't think it can rain forever I don’t think it can rain forever
And the waters wash old things awayThe waters wash old things away
(just getting rid of some “ands&rdquo
But some things will remain the same - But some things remain the same
(shorter by one syllable to account for the 2 lost in the 1st 2 lines)

V2
And if the cold starts to get to you - And the cold if it starts to get you (I just prefer the way it sounds - i never like to many "to's" in a line!)
And cities can fade over time - And cities will fade over time
And rainbows may be over-rated - The rainbows may be over-rated (another “and&rdquo

Bridge
Love it!

With My Changes Put In
(i've underlined changes)

Rain Forever

Verse:
I walk along roads in the evening
I lie awake in my bed
Nightmares turn out to be memories
Storm clouds gather o’er my head

I'll lay in my bed until morning
And I'll wait for the sun to shine
I'll try to look for a rainbow
I'll try to hold onto my mind

Chorus:
I don't think it can rain forever
The waters wash old things away
And thunder and lightning grow distant
But some things remain the same

Verse:
A good storm can dampen an evening
But sure seems to help things to grow
And the cold if it starts to get you
Come to me, I'll give you a home

Valleys can turn into oceans
And cities will fade over time
The rainbows may be over-rated
But remind me of mountains I've climbed

(Chorus)

Bridge:
So you drain water out of your basement
And chase demons off of your shelf
'cause you don't get less of a beating
Just by choosing to give it yourself

(Chorus)


I hope you don't totally disagree with my comments because I really liked this piece!!!

A crit on my latest "My City Prison" would be really great if you have time. Link in my sig.
Quote by philjay
*Picks up TT like handbag and smacks you over the head like an angry granny *
Try that with your rocker 30


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