#1
Here's a song that I wrote today, I'm currently trying to get a fixed title to this, I'll think about it for a bit. I decided I wanted to try songwriting as well as playing music, this is my first attempt at writing a song, it'll probably crash and burn, but the main point of this is to improve and learn.


INTRO:
[A soft, probably acoustic guitar opening]
Welcome sweetie, to the Dark side
Shady streets, murky waters
Abuse the wives is the code of our fathers
We raise the pigs for brutal slaughter
This isn't Heaven missy, it's a bumpy ride.

[Pause, last note from "ride" and chords from guitar held]

[... Then starts. Quicker distorted guitar melody with bass and dark moody drum pounding, repeats the bar four times, then singing interlocks with instruments]

VERSE:
Roads like Widows Lane, degenerates thrive
Cops don't give a sh**, they just join the hive
Why did you come here, doesn't make sense
Run for your life hun, be ready to kill

BRIDGE:
[Different riff plays, more distortion[
Let's hold hands and leave everything behind
So much at risk, are you ready? Are you ready?

CHORUS:
[Distortion at full, drum syncopating in between beats]
Tainted souls, corrupted lives run wild
Save yourself girl, would you do it for me?
The dead bodies lay here, neat and piled
You wanna be one of them, the lost and defiled?

VERSE:
[Back to normal distortion]
The hounds have shredded the rope between us
Our love was strong, kind, inflamed with lust
Must see you one last time, before I dissipate, into dust

Don't look back, run from the shadows
Trust nobody here, they are walking demons
Of these tarnished lives, hung at the gallows
Don't fall for their kindness, nothing but delusions

BRIDGE:
Let's hold hands and leave everything behind
So much at risk, are you ready? Are you ready?

CHORUS:
Tainted souls, corrupted lives run wild
Save yourself girl, would you do it for me?
The dead bodies lay here, neat and piled
You wanna be on of them, the lost and defiled?

[Backup singer sings harmonies with lead]
Tainted souls, corrupted lives run wild
Save yourself girl, would you do it for me?
The dead bodies lay here, neat and piled
You wanna be on of them, the lost and defiled?


INTRO:
[Last distorted chord and bass notes are held, slowly fading away.
Then, acoustic soft intro is played]
Welcome sweetie, to the Dark side
Shady streets, murky waters
Abuse the wives is the code of our fathers
We raise the pigs for brutal slaughter
This isn't Heaven missy, it's a bumpy ride.


All I have for now, trying to work out more catchy lines, smooth out the lyrics so they fit with the guitar/bass/drums.
Any crit (as constructive as possible, please) is greatly appreciated.
I guess I sort've rushed this, just wanted to get something out onto the site and I wanted to get some help from other songwriters.

Thanks for reading,

EDIT: Oh wow, I just noticed all those rhymes were being annoying when I read it aloud... I'll definitely have to change them,
Last edited by FelixJZ at Aug 10, 2007,
#4
I really liked how u described ur music .For the first song it was not a bad attempt some lines were really good . The flow was good . what it lacked was a little imagery and little story telling .And the sweetie line sorry didn't cut out . It seemed a bit sweet. For gfirst attempt it was not that bad my first song was a total garbage . I have deleted the thread otherwise i would have given u a link . I really respect that u are willing to learn . So my advise is read the tips thread to get a better understanding of all the things and see for yourself. what elements are missing in ur song.

Andy
Hi
#5
I'm not gonna go through all of it, beacuse much like your crit's weren't too useful to me, myn wouldn't be too useful to you. It's a totally totally different style to me and I don't really like it, but I'm sure it will be appreciated for the style it is.

My problem is that it seems just to lack any soul or story. The language is good, the rhymes are maybe a bit much but the flow is fine. Everything is good but nothing stuck with me after I read it, I can't remember a single line. That's almost definitley because, like I said, it's just not my type of writing.

Also, much like me saying "man" maybe remind you of rap, you saying "****" or anybody swearing just reminds me of rap, which puts me off.

But i'm not trying to be harsh because you didn't like myn or whatever, I'm sure this is great to people who appreciate it.