#1
Black and white

If only the world could be so
Plain, so simple the concept to
Grasp. Yet existence always makes
Life difficult.


If only there was a way to
Exist while not existing.


If they say reality is a dream, well
Wake me up, because i see no good
From this everyday life.


I wish i could get away.


In a world where ignorance is bliss,
I do not belong, for knowledge makes
It quite impossible.


Depleted happiness.


Nobody knows what it is like to
Be me. To be in my shoes, having
To feel my pain, my anguish, my
Sense of self being.


Look at what she has done.


She has made a fool...


of me.
I hate my username, it all happened in a rush


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Last edited by bLiNk182fOrLyF at Aug 11, 2007,
#2
Black and white

If only the world could be so
Plain, so simple the concept to
Grasp. Yet existence always makes
Life difficult.
hmm. not bad. the wording is awkward at the "so simple" part, maybe switch it around a bit.


If only there was a way to
Exist while not existing.
A little cliche here, but you do a good job of avoiding being too cliche with a very cliche topic.


If they say reality is a dream, well
Wake me up, because i see no good
From this everyday life.
Nicely done here. no complaints.


I wish i could get away.


In a world where ignorance is bliss,
I do not belong, for knowledge makes
It quite impossible.
Good. i thought i would hate it after the ignorance is bliss thing. but you present a good idea here.


Depleted happiness.


Nobody knows what it is like to
Be me. To be in my shoes, having
To feel my pain, my anguish, my
Sense of self being.
Eww. not good i don't think. too self pitying, too cliche.


Look at what she has done.


She has made a fool...


of me.

good the detached lines are good. except the "deleted happiness" one. it sounds too lame, and formal, maybe change the word deleted.

check mine? the links in my sig.
#3
I liked it, alot. I thought this was BEAUTIFULLY worded, even while covering the cliched topics you kept it feeling original.

In a world where ignorance is bliss,
I do not belong, for knowledge makes
It quite impossible.

This is quite good, I liked this. Accurate description.

If they say reality is a dream, well
Wake me up, because i see no good
From this everyday life.

This bit's great, one of my favourite bits. The detached lines give off a sense of some sort of madness, though as the title suggests, that's what they are.

I loved it. Would you mind critting mine? First page, Ideals. Sarcasm. Irony.
#4
Black and white

This stands alone great as an intro, simple, yet powerful and alluring.


If only the world could be so
Plain, so simple the concept to
Grasp. Yet existence always makes
Life difficult.

This is a good follow on, easy to understand, great flow.


If only there was a way to
Exist while not existing.

This is class. I love these lines.


If they say reality is a dream, well
Wake me up, because i see no good
From this everyday life.

This is good, but 'From this everyday life.' seems awkward, maybe reword it slightly.


I wish i could get away.

These lines stand alone well, much moreso than in flaming passion IMO.


In a world where ignorance is bliss,
I do not belong, for knowledge makes
It quite impossible.

Great.



Depleted happiness.

Yeah, not as powerful as the other standalones, but still good.


Nobody knows what it is like to
Be me. To be in my shoes, having
To feel my pain, my anguish, my
Sense of self being.

I like it, I'd just try to think of something more creative than 'to be in my shoes'


Look at what she has done.


She has made a fool...


of me.

I like the spacing here, i like the spacing of the entire piece, it gives a very distant, disenchanted feeling. Awesome piece.
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