#1
Untitled

Verse 1

He puts on her make-up of black and purple,
She puts on a face that says she's okay,
Face down left behind the broken glass,
Shattered mirror,
Image of herself, it's a failure of mentality.

Chorus

The words mean nothing now,
His heart is cold,
Loving him it was her mistake,
Because she's falling with open arms.

Verse 2

Her ears ring with the sound of desire,
Its a desire to not be,
On her kness she sweeps up the cascade,
Renegade,
Pieces of her departed heart.
*ESP Viper 400 (Olympic White)
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Last edited by ESPviper400 at Aug 13, 2007,
#2
He puts on her make-up of black and purple,
She puts on a face that says she's okay,
Face down left behind the broken glass,
Shattered mirror,
Image of herself, it's a failure of mentality.

Did you mean "She" and not "He" for the first line? This verse doesn't make a whole lot of sense... what is a failure of mentality?

Chorus

The words mean nothing now,
His heart is cold,
Loving him it was her mistake,
Because she's falling with open arms.

I'd take out "The" in the first line, and "it" from the third. Again, this didn't make a ton of sense... it doesn't seem well thought out.
Dem Dry Bones
Current read: I Am America (And You Can Too) (Stephen Colbert)
Album of the Week: Four Thieves Gone (The Avett Brothers)
#3
Quote by doctor_rocker

Did you mean "She" and not "He" for the first line? This verse doesn't make a whole lot of sense... what is a failure of mentality?

No i didn't... and its a lyrical way of saying loss of a sane state...

I'd take out "The" in the first line, and "it" from the third. Again, this didn't make a ton of sense... it doesn't seem well thought out.

There in there for the purpose of fitting the song they have been written to... Could you explain how you think its not thought out??


??
*ESP Viper 400 (Olympic White)
*Marshall AVT275
*Boss GT-8
*Burns Red Special Replica (original colours)
*Marshall MG10CD
*Vox 10watt preamp (for creating Brian May replica sounds)
*Fender Squire Strat (red w/ white scratch plate) - My 1st
#4
I rather liked this....it was a bit RJA-esq.

He puts on her make-up of black and purple,
She puts on a face that says she's okay,
Face down left behind the broken glass,
Shattered mirror,
Image of herself, it's a failure of mentality.

Failure of mentality, I loved that.

Chorus

The words mean nothing now,
His heart is cold,
Loving him it was her mistake,
Because she's falling with open arms.

This is cool....nice imagery.

Is there more to this, like more verses and such? Ifso, add them. I like this.
#5
Thanks... there is another verse and a bridge style section to come... but they have yet to be written... they will be up here as soon as they are

*ESP Viper 400 (Olympic White)
*Marshall AVT275
*Boss GT-8
*Burns Red Special Replica (original colours)
*Marshall MG10CD
*Vox 10watt preamp (for creating Brian May replica sounds)
*Fender Squire Strat (red w/ white scratch plate) - My 1st
#6
Quote by ESPviper400
Untitled

Verse 1

He puts on her make-up of black and purple,
She puts on a face that says she's okay,
Face down left behind the broken glass,
Shattered mirror,
Image of herself, it's a failure of mentality.

Chorus

The words mean nothing now,
His heart is cold,
Loving him it was her mistake,
Because she's falling with open arms.


Good. Very good use of imagery. Funny how most things here end up about love isn't it? But hey I write stuff about love so fair enough.

I like how it actually shows in real life that people use like masks and stuff to cover up there true feelings. I like the last line most Because she's falling with open arms. To me it shows hope for you, for being a very good writer.
O Hai der.
#7
Quote by TheThingKills
To me it shows hope for you, for being a very good writer.

thanks... all i have to say...!
*ESP Viper 400 (Olympic White)
*Marshall AVT275
*Boss GT-8
*Burns Red Special Replica (original colours)
*Marshall MG10CD
*Vox 10watt preamp (for creating Brian May replica sounds)
*Fender Squire Strat (red w/ white scratch plate) - My 1st
#8
Quote by ESPviper400
Untitled

Verse 1

He puts on her make-up of black and purple,
She puts on a face that says she's okay,
Face down left behind the broken glass,
Shattered mirror,
Image of herself, it's a failure of mentality.

Chorus

The words mean nothing now,
His heart is cold,
Loving him it was her mistake,
Because she's falling with open arms.


This is good i like your use of imagery in that first verse. Like somebody else said, with the "He" and the "She". Did you mean she in the first line? I like the bit about the broken glass. it makes me think, i know some people who are like that.
i cant wait to see the rest of it!
Keep up the Good Work!
Mark
#9
^^^nope... first line is meant to be a he

and thanks...
*ESP Viper 400 (Olympic White)
*Marshall AVT275
*Boss GT-8
*Burns Red Special Replica (original colours)
*Marshall MG10CD
*Vox 10watt preamp (for creating Brian May replica sounds)
*Fender Squire Strat (red w/ white scratch plate) - My 1st
#10
As promised the second verse of the song - posted above...
*ESP Viper 400 (Olympic White)
*Marshall AVT275
*Boss GT-8
*Burns Red Special Replica (original colours)
*Marshall MG10CD
*Vox 10watt preamp (for creating Brian May replica sounds)
*Fender Squire Strat (red w/ white scratch plate) - My 1st
#12
I can understand how it would be easier to crit these when heard with the music, but on paper they read off very nicely.

I knew that you meant to put 'he' in the first line, it makes sense

Nice imagery, 'failure of mentaility' is interesting (in a good way).

Now just Guitar Pro it and you're sorted :P
#13
i can do better than Guitar Pro it... wil upload the recording once the lyrics are recorded on to it... x
*ESP Viper 400 (Olympic White)
*Marshall AVT275
*Boss GT-8
*Burns Red Special Replica (original colours)
*Marshall MG10CD
*Vox 10watt preamp (for creating Brian May replica sounds)
*Fender Squire Strat (red w/ white scratch plate) - My 1st