#1
Series of short poems based around a theme. More to come soon. Searching for a decent title. That one is too "clicheish". C4C.

_________



Waking up for a midnight
snack, I came across
Death;
sitting cross-legged in the hall.
The sorry bastard
was eating my muffin.



______
Last edited by confusius at Sep 2, 2007,
#2
Awesome dude... i love it... the true meaning of short n sweet!! well done!

c4c... here's my lyrics if you wouldn't mind...
*ESP Viper 400 (Olympic White)
*Marshall AVT275
*Boss GT-8
*Burns Red Special Replica (original colours)
*Marshall MG10CD
*Vox 10watt preamp (for creating Brian May replica sounds)
*Fender Squire Strat (red w/ white scratch plate) - My 1st
#3
pshhh. Don't kid yourself. In future give people a full-crit if you want return. Sometimes you don't even get returns.

Thanks for the comment though.
#4
hard to give a full crit on something so small... and plus theres nothing to crit in my eyes...
*ESP Viper 400 (Olympic White)
*Marshall AVT275
*Boss GT-8
*Burns Red Special Replica (original colours)
*Marshall MG10CD
*Vox 10watt preamp (for creating Brian May replica sounds)
*Fender Squire Strat (red w/ white scratch plate) - My 1st
#5
Absolutely one of the best things I've read lately.

EDIT: "Death;" Semi-colon intended? It doesn't fit the next bit..
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

Last edited by culex-knight at Aug 12, 2007,
#6
Meh, full crits aren't dictated by the length of the piece. I'm sure that THW could come over here and rip one to shreds (hint) and that would serve as a full crit. Just because he took the bother to analyze it and find something wrong. It would be rewarded with a more generous crit becasue of the length of this. If there isn't anything wrong don't bother with a comment. I mean, I apreciate the bump but it doesn't help me. It just frustrates me.



EDIT: Yes Culex. That was indeed an accident. I had the stanzas divided differently and it did make sense back then. *edits*
Last edited by confusius at Aug 12, 2007,
#7
I suppose it's fine. I like the start of it but the muffin line just kills it all for me. Maybe it's meant to be funny but it just doesn't really hit me that hard. I don't really like "but the sorry bastard" and the explanation mark. I think if you're trying to be comical it has to be alot more blunt. And why muffin? I don't know the last bit seems totally random to me, tell me what exactly you're trying to convey or what message (if there is one) you're attempting to put across and then I could suggest something.

I have a problem with criting something so small because really it's alot different to just looking for spelling errors, errors in flow, repeated words, bad word choice etc. in most pieces, you're really asking to crit the message or how the piece hit you instead, which is alot harder when you don't really know what the writer was trying to convey.

Perhaps give a little more info on what you were trying to do?

If you're feeling generous crit Shadow Show (in sig) but I don't expect it as I haven't really made any useful crits.
#8
cute. but why was death eating your muffin? what is 'sorry' about death? what, in essence, does it actually mean? the only ideas i can find are horribly stretched, and probably stem from my obsession with death

i mean, sure, little cute poems that don't mean much can be nice, but in that, case is it really an 'anecdote of life and death', with the weight which that implies? or is the title super duper ironic?

it should have totally been a haiku.

death sits in the hall
munching on my last muffin:
what does it all mean?


everything is all so silly.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#9
Why thanks for your comment, Gurgle. I appreciate the criticism, it helps me grow. It's a pity none of it was actually constructive, if it had been, you would have definitely earned yourself a gold star. I see you also missed the sexual allusion in muffin. I will try to be more blatant in future.

Well, on your second paragraph, you should read more. I left the space between my first few sentences and the poem for a reason. I say I'm looking for a new title which implies I don't like the current one. I am open to suggestions, especially from someone so knowledgeable as you seem to be. I don't really like to be told something I don't like isn't good. It's a bit unnecessary, don't you think?

Yes, you are very funny, that haiku just made me roll around on the floor laughing. It's so "super-duper-ironic" as you would say.

Finally, you don't seem to realize that your whole "crit" was also silly.

#10
Quote by confusius
Why thanks for your comment, Gurgle. I appreciate the criticism, it helps me grow. It's a pity none of it was actually constructive, if it had been, you would have definitely earned yourself a gold star. I see you also missed the sexual allusion in muffin. I will try to be more blatant in future.

Well, on your second paragraph, you should read more. I left the space between my first few sentences and the poem for a reason. I say I'm looking for a new title which implies I don't like the current one. I am open to suggestions, especially from someone so knowledgeable as you seem to be. I don't really like to be told something I don't like isn't good. It's a bit unnecessary, don't you think?

Yes, you are very funny, that haiku just made me roll around on the floor laughing. It's so "super-duper-ironic" as you would say.

Finally, you don't seem to realize that your whole "crit" was also silly.



oh, i knew my crit was silly. i was in a very silly mood i think.

i kinda said the thing about the title because, although you said you found it to be cliched, i just didnt particularly like the tone of it. maybe thats helpful towards what your new title will be.

my bad on missing the allusion. on the spaces left, i thought there might have been a purpose to it. but sometimes people do things like this and dont have a purpose to it, and besides, all it really said to me was perhaps that this poem is meant to be a glimmer of something larger, but that was something i was kinda feeling anyway, because thats often the nature of short poems.

i guess i was in a silly mode. to me the poem was suggestive of a feeling that i also have, that an obsession with death overshadows other things and erodes the simple pleasures of life, which is obviously a ridiculous feeling for a nineteen year old to have, but whatever. i dont know if thats what you were aiming for, but thats what i got from it. and on that level, it kinda worked, but it all felt a little strained and just didnt particularly work for me. dont get me wrong, i thought it was neat, and you clearly have a competency, but i just wasnt all that stimulated. its not always easy to say how someone can make something better. basically, i thought you executed it well, it was nicely written, but it just didnt make me that engaged, and i guess i just really objected to the end in a way, i found it felt really silly to me, and maybe thats what you wanted, but it just felt off somehow.

man, my crits are so crummy these days.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#11
Waking up for a midnight
snack, I come across

Death,

sitting cross-legged in the
hall. The sorry bastard
was eating my muffin!

Wow, slightly scared to crit your work after reading your responses to the other crits, but i must tell you that i did indeed enjoy the piece. I was wondering if there should be a semi colon or a colon after the word death? Although since you are a 'Grammar nazi of the spanish armada.' I'm sure you would know better than I. After reading it out loud i thought the "that sorry bastard" worked better than 'the sorry bastard'
If we are going to get really picky the up in waking up seems redundant.. We don't wake down now do we? I do like the image of death sitting in the hall, is he on the ground or on a chair. I can't decide. I picutured death as more of the slouching type. And the 'sexual allusion' you speak of, well i didn't get that, i'm still not sure what it represents even though you pointed it out.
well thats about it i think.. i really like it, and look forward to reading more in this series
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#12
I'm in a little hurry so i didn't read how other reacted to it .But here it goes anyway.

I believe that it's open to interpretation and mine is that dead was just passing time in your house just to let you know that he was there for you .

The whole piece is short and effective . The use of "come" bothers me a little bit . I think it should be "came" instead but i can be wrong .

If u used muffin as a metaphor . I didn't get the exact meaning out of the muffin bit but it sure serves as a catalyst for interpretation . Overall i liked it it was short, simple and effective
Hi
#13
abhishek is right about the come/came thing. Since you use "was" in the last line it implies past tense, so "came" would be the better choice. You could say "is eating my muffin" but that sounds kind of off. Your best bet would be to change "come" to "came".
#14
Indeed it would be. Thoughts on the semi-colon? Yay, or nay? I'm confused as to whether it should stay now. I originally thought it was in the right place but...
#16
it was alright, but if memory serves me right i have seen better from you

one thing that bothered me was the fact that you changed tense and time in a single sentence (waking is in the present while came + was are past)

as for the comma i don't think you need it
there is already a break there because of the line break

also, clue us in to how the muffin is a sexual allusion
all i can get out of it was that the muffin is a phallic symbol and death was performing fellatio or something...which is kind of a odd thought
#17
"waking" works in this instance though... but i'm having trouble coming up with an effective way of explaining why.
#18
Well yes, at least where I come from muffin is simbol of the male's genitals. Hence why I said: My muffin and not muffins. If I had said muffins you would have been completely clueless. It's sort of meant to represent a blow job but not really. It's just meant to amuse you that such a bizarre situation. Meh, I quite liked this one, but you guys are starting to make me think otherwise.
#20

Waking up for a midnight
snack, I came across
first impression of the piece: where is it! i can't read tiny tiny tinier than miniscule fonts in the same colour as the background

haha jk.

well i'm not joking haha but i'm only messing.

you know what i mean

ahem.

i am really impressed with the first line. the break is perfect. i like the way "waking up for a midnight" sounds. it's stylish, it's different, it's original.
this stanza is nice and short and works well so. makes you want to read on definitely.

Death,
i'm not keen on this because it seems way too dramatic. i dont get any sort of feeling from this. whereas 'death' is normally such a powerful word to use, this really feels empty. it hold no interest for me.

sitting cross-legged in the
hall. The sorry bastard
was eating my muffin!

oh i see, death is a person. meh well i still dont like the cut im afraid. i like the "sitting cross-legged i the hall" however the break at the end of the line doesnt work imo and i think would work better the whole sentence in one line.

the ending is quite cool, this is a fun little piece and definitely works well short rather than long. however the exclamation mark ruins it. i always think that exclamation marks dont work well in 'funny' or 'satirical' pieces because they make it look like you're really trying to make the reader laugh and when you blatently show them your objective is to make the giggle it removes all humour.

IMO. but good piece, sorry if i seem harsh but i am thorough and i havent done a proper crit in a long while and it feels good.

as you can see my typing skills are dire and my englsih language almost as bad so please ignore anything wrong
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#21
Yeah, Alice, I can tell you have trouble with English. Don't worry, We all understand you just how you are.

/me is being a real bastard.

Thanks for the crit.
#22
first off i'll say that i really like this. its one of my favourite pieces you've written. to be honest i would be wary of adding to it, for fear of detracting from what you've already got here.

Waking up for a midnight
snack, this opener is great, nice flow, nice imageI came across
Death;
the pseudo-dramatic note here i think has been slightly overdone - i see the irony you're going for but you may want to be a bit more subtle
sitting cross-legged in the hall.
this bit creates quite a sense of profundity to come, which heightens the irony of the ending beautifully. my only critecism would be your choice of setting - why the hall?
The sorry bastard
was eating my muffin.
i really like the irony of the sense of indignant outrage at death you create here. though i think, if the muffin/genitals thing is the point, it's a little contrived and out of place so you may want to reconsider why a muffin?

a lot of your writing seems to utilise the same odd line breaks. just something i've noticed. i like that. it's a bit different. a break from the norm.

in all a great piece - hope i've helped
would love a crit from you - some of the ones i've seen of yours have been very insightful and helpful - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=664372
Last edited by pianoman13 at Sep 3, 2007,