#1
ok....so today i was looking through my stuff and found of my first songs,(needless to say, it's kind of emo-ish) so i though i'd post it and take some suggestions.


lowest voice I've ever heard
looked away she said, never meant to get you hurt
frozen eyes and frigid lips
nothing more to say, nothing's the way it seems

I told you what i thought was more than I could say
..but nevermind
I showed you all that i could ever give away
..still nothing's right

she said "hey if you keep on (walking), looking at the sky,
you might fall and loose more of what's really on your mind"
.."not even that important, they're just the same old stars
you wished upon when you where young"
---
Left the room and dazed away
a confused look she weared, as she walked by pass the stairs
thought "it's time to look away"
as I realized, it was never worth her tears

You thought the dreams you had
were enough to get by
but the picture in your mind
was too big for the frame

I over heard her say if it's not right,
...then it's not right
I thank you for this big mistake we made along the way
..now say good bye


she said "hey if you keep on walking, looking at the sky,
you might fall and loose more of what's really on your mind"
.."not even that important, they're just the same old stars
you wished upon when you where young"

EDIT: comments? is it thta bad?
Last edited by tincho729 at Aug 12, 2007,
#2
some of it was nice. i like the refrain, although the last line of it feels a touch too short. could be worse though. overall though, it just does nothing for me. in a lot of stanzas you get a nice metre going for a while, then seem to think, 'oh, cant be bothered with phrasing anymore, i'll just stick in something that kinda works' and then the metre goes and its really awkward. dropping in and out of metre and not sounding lame can be HARD, and it has to be thought out. abandoning it cos it got tough never makes it work.

the words and what they mean? gleh. they're ok. there's some nice turns of phrase, but some really naff ones eg 'but the picture in your mind/was too big for the frame'. the idea could work, but you have to phrase it better than that. overall, its just not something i can get that excited about, with regards to concept or execution. it just exists. theres some capability lurking around there, so keep at it, and it'll come to the fore even more, or so i would hope.

my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#3
thanks a lot for the crit....I´ll try to work on that, and i realize it has a lot of weird twists there because the music used to be basic chords all the time and it just got boring to keep it going (chords were pretty much all I knew) so I changed the rythm and changed chords almost constantly.


I realize how the phrasing could be better, i have to keep in mind when writting not to just go with the first thing that comes to mind, but sometimes i just forget and when I write in english, it can take a while before i can see the lyrics objetively.


Thanks again and I'll try to keep at it