#1
This is the second time I've posted this, because it was closed, probably I hadn't read the rules, whoops!, anywho, I got the flu, started halluicinating, then this happened

To speak of what cannot be spoken
To mend what is not yet broken
Could there be meaning to
The words that are spoken

The Jester's laugh in the night
The beasts of hell are all awoken
A fools mask of innocence
People stirred and silence broken

When the beasts of hell awake
Let them stand in your wake
A fools mask of innocence
Left shattered on the floor
Hoping to be more

The Angry King stares down upon
Those whose light has shone
Quicken as you run

A tide of might
A War to right
Let my fire burn alight
To quench the Lord of Sorrow

Let the morning star rise
Reach the middle of the skies
Let it burn away your eyes
Then reach to touch the corners
Where the fool may sit

The ties been made
Words are spoken
A laugh that riddles the skies
The fools can sit and cry...

The Beast be done
The Beast be gone
This tortured soul has won
Last edited by Riff Licker at Sep 2, 2007,
#2
wow thats a great poem! i cant see it being a song though
Birdie Birdie in the sky, why'd you do that in my eye? Looks like Sugar, Tastes like sap.....OMG ITS BIRDIE CRAP!
#3
Quote by RRRUBEN
wow thats a great poem! i cant see it being a song though



A poem you say...hmm, that would be a new way to go, thanks
Last edited by Riff Licker at Aug 26, 2007,
#5
I thought it was pretty cool. I think it could go either way as a poem, or a song. In the second line I think it would sound better if you put "not yet" instead of "yet not", that's the way I read it the first time, it just seems more natural. Also, if you switched the 3rd and 4th lines of the second verse around, the rhyme scheme would work a lot better, unless the order of those lines have a particular meaning for you. Here's a link to one of mine you can crit

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=649064
#6
I think it would do better as a poem but I do see it as almost kinda a hardcore style song not quite though
#7
^^ i can see it as a song hardcore/ metal core style or sorta prog rock of some kind

A bit to much of the 'oken in there though in my opinion i think you should have some different rhymes in the second verse
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9_11_4:
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...
I you 9_11_4, you like Chuck, Opeth, and don't mind porn, that = epic metul win.


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#8
Thanks for the kind words guys, and I've taken it all in, and with the second verse I can see all the 'oken though I didn't really see it till you said something 9_11_4 so thanks for that, wolfat the door, I've made those few changes you suggested so thanks for your input, and whether I'll make it a song or a poem I'm not sure, could be interesting as both, I might have to flip a coin, if anyone else has anything to say on this piece please do so, not bad for the first thing I've ever written eh? thanks again for everyone's input it was all very helpful
Riff Licker
Last edited by Riff Licker at Aug 26, 2007,
#9
Yeah, first verse is very nice, i get the hallucination you talked about. I dont like the repitition of "night in the second verse". The third is odd, but i get the symbolism there.
#11
Hey thanks to everyone for the help, I did get rid of the second "night" in the second verse corrylb19, and shoved "hell" in there, so thanks for the crit. Thanks for the kind words Mr. Saturn they mean a lot :P. Heres just a little question guys, why does everyone seem to like the first verse so much?, I'm not saying I dont, I just would like to know why people like that verse. Thanks again everyone for the crit

Riff Licker
Last edited by Riff Licker at Aug 26, 2007,
#12
A tide of might
A War as bright
Let my fire burn alight
Quench the Lord of Sorrow

maybe

A tide of might
A war for right
Let my fire burn brightly
To quench the Lord of Sorrow


My favourite part

The Angry King stares down upon
Those whose light has shone
Quicken as you run
Last edited by Rookieste at Aug 20, 2007,
#13
sweet jesus, Rookieste, thanks a huge amount for your imput, that verse is going to look and sound MUCH better with your input, thank you so very much, and yeah I like the angry king bit myself...anyway thanks!!

Riff Licker
Last edited by Riff Licker at Aug 26, 2007,
#15
It seems like an epic tale that has been shortened to few verses haha. As far as I can tell the poem is about a fool (jester) who awoke the demons of hell by laughing in the night.

1st verse -- I love this verse; the first two lines are brilliant. Then the next two not only don't fit, but they don't make sense. Meaning to what words, the ones that cannot be spoken? Or the actual two lines prior; meaning towards those? To me it seems the poem will be about a fool and it ends up being about demons

2nd verse -- "The Jester[']s laugh", "beats" should be "bea[s]ts". I think I understand this verse...maybe. The jester woke the beasts, and the "mask of innocence" isn't the Jester pretending to be innocent, it would be his actual mask? If thats true, then I like it Otherwise, I don't understand it quite haha.

3rd verse --

4th verse -- Good verse, you could even improve it without changing the meaning I bet.

5th verse -- I understand the first two lines, but who is the tortured soul?
#16
Great song! Its easy to tell that you really feel these lyrics.I read this and think song.Not poem but i can see where people are getting the poem. Its not up to us to try to find a tune to match his song.great work and hope to read more of yours in the future
#17
i dont like how you used the word spoken twice in the first verse, but other than that, It's great.
#18
Hey thanks everyone for the kind words, and Stupified, funnily enough...thats pretty much it, the whole song was written when I had the flu and everything got all trippy and, while hallucinating saw an old man with a lute and he sung that at me and every now and then I could see the story unfolding right in front of me, kinda like a nightmare, and about the tortured soul....well, maybe I'll just leave that one a mystery

Riff Licker
#19
Great job. I think it could be either poem or song. The words have almost a psychedelic/dark metal feel to them. Quite frankly, they rock. Keep up the good work.
"Notes are expensive. . .use them wisely"-B.B. King

"It's been very important throughout my career that I've met all the guys I've copied, because at each stage they've said, 'Don't play like me, play like you."-Eric Clapton
#20
Hey, me again. Argh, everything I wanna say has been taken. Lol. Well, actually, this reminds me of, er, Poetry Slam. Where they sing poems over rhymes. Fancy way of saying they sing songs that are poetry-ish. Can you see why I'm bringing it up? Er yeah anyway. Good job. Again. Lol.
#21
"A tide of might
A War to right
Let my fire burn bright
To quench the Lord of Sorrow"
- Tbh I don't really like how you have the rhyming might, right, bright and then change to sorrow. Maybe if you make the 3d line a little longer like maybe:

"A tide of might
A War to right
Let me fire uppon this blight
To quench the Lord of Sorrow"

or maybe make it a 2 syllable word like
Let my fire burn tonight (though that might sound a bit lame)

anyway I like your work so far mate, keep it up
Pick a song out of my sig if you feel like it
#22
I did suggest

A tide of might
A war for right
Please let my fire burn brightly
To quench the lord of Sorrow

a 2 syllable jobbie, I think works better than to keep the rhyme going then change randomly, it eases you into the next line if its 2 syllables at the end
The Ripper

Oh the songs Jim, the songs, they'd melt your face!
#23
Claptonfan55, thanks a lot for the kind words, I dont even know where I'm going with this song, I can hear it, but I can't match it to a guitar, anyway I'll get it.

linkinwayne, I can see who this reminds you of Poetry Slam, it does come off a bit poetry-sh, and thanks for the kind words they mean a lot

Keep the crit flowing....

Riff Licker