#1
try to live by your side
but the marks,
unbearable to even me
set us both apart
is it too hard to accept?
or were you just following your orders?

This desire I hold is just too much to take,
and only gets harder with each passing breath.
seizing to exist is sounding more of a good idea.
knowing you'll never say its Okay.
and never will be able to get closer.

what we say will soon be forgotten,
but what we do tonight will last forever.
so can I just embrace your soft kiss?
and hope the moment never ends.

Night after night tortured further then belief.
just by sleeping next to your side.
just a simple answer was all I ever wanted
yet I'll never receive an answer from your lips
instead I get this burning casket you set for me.

what we say will soon be forgotten,
but what we do tonight will last forever.
so what do you say about that last kiss?
or is it already too late?


I never get all that much feed back to my lyrics so what do you guys think?
#2
pretty cool man soz im in a rush cant rely say much about it tho apart from umm... yeh its cool.
marajuana rules almost as much as bfmv
#3
is it too hard to accept?
or were you just following your orders?


my favourite part of the piece..
not sure if i could see this as a song, i'm not sure what style its in.. but its a good effort.. None of those dreaded cliched rhymes.. Like the fact there is no rhyming scheme and the use of rhetorical questions !
Quote by Internal Chaos

9_11_4:
.


Quote by Slaytanic1993
...
I you 9_11_4, you like Chuck, Opeth, and don't mind porn, that = epic metul win.


Quote by webbtje


Ash, stop masturbating.
#5
It's alright, just not really my style, I guess. I don't really like the bluntness of the whole piece.
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#6
i like the words, i cant see the music behind it, but im sure you have that somewhat worked out in your head.
#7
i like it. except for the very last line doesn't seem to fit. it throws off the flow, and just doesn't work with the piece. i don't think it's need so i would just take it off. i think that "so what do you say about that last kiss" would be a great ending. other than that line it's all good. could you crit one in my sig? thanks
#8
oh wow thanks guys I didn't think I would get as much positive feed back as I did.

and thank you cyclone41 I my self didn't like that last line but wasn't exactly sure what to do with it. and with your advice I going to lose the final line and just leave the "so what do you say about that last kiss"
#10
Quote by cta-joey
oh wow thanks guys I didn't think I would get as much positive feed back as I did.

and thank you cyclone41 I my self didn't like that last line but wasn't exactly sure what to do with it. and with your advice I going to lose the final line and just leave the "so what do you say about that last kiss"


If you want to leave the last line in, I would say that (if this is being put to music), you could speak it as the music is fading or after the band stops (if it's a more abrupt stop)

My two cents on the last line
DOWN&OUT