#1
crit4crit
STRONG FRAILTY

For countless nights I slept with the thought
That Heaven was trapped inside statues
No idol could ever reflect God
Divinity is mirrored in you

This revelation
Is looking for a way out
But there is no exit
Through this mumbling mouth

I was so blind that saw the Lamb
Among the stars and their godless prayers
But all the wounds on your frail hands
Told me that you were my savior

This revelation
Is looking for a way out
But there is no exit
Through this mumbling mouth

Yet time over time these cloths of lent
Try to wear the heart of seraphim
Let me remove these slave garments
And cover you in lamb white satin

This revelation
Is looking for a way out
But there is no exit
Through this mumbling mouth
Last edited by themarsvolta at Aug 19, 2009,
#2
Pretty cool piece. Sometimes the mechanics of the meter/rhyme seem unpoetic, but the lyrical content itself is effective. The first two lines are especially potent. Pretty inspiring, and that would be amplified with the proper accompanying music. =]
#3
not bad i like it my only complaint is when u sing it its pretty short see if u can add a few more verses but good work
#5
For countless nights I slept with the thought
That Heaven was trapped inside statues
No idol could ever reflect God
Divinity is mirrored in you


This first verse is great, I'm loving it.
I really like the vocabulary too, overall great work.
#6
The verses are gr8 . The point is proved very smoothly . I liked the title alot. i don't have any serious issues with it but i think the chorus can use an aliteration . The use of vocab and tech. was gr8
Hi
#8
yeah i liked it, its an artistic way of going about the subject portraying thoughts and revelations that can not be unleashed through a single vessel. anyway, literature wise it was great and lyrical and idea wise it was great. i'm not crazy bout the chorus though. so just work on the chorus. tis a pretty good peice. nice job.
#9
There are a few points, where it seemed flow lacked, but that' just how I read it, you may read it differently than me and it may flow much better.


"And I was once convinced my savior
Lived inside the city of angels
Among stars and their godless prayers
But strong frailty is where He dwells"

This is by far, my favorite part of your piece, I love the message your trying to convey.


This revelation
Is looking for a way out
But there is no exit
Through this mumbling mouth

I also love this part, expecially the mumbling mouth part

Overall I really enjoyed it, like everyone said, the lyrical content is great. Can't wait to read some more of your work.
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#11
Thanks for the crit of the story, man. I'll return the favour.
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For countless nights I slept with the thought
That Heaven was trapped inside statues
No idol could ever reflect God
Divinity is mirrored in you
I was like a few people, thrown off a bit by the lack of rhythm here but I'll let that go because when it's lyrics, words can get drawn out when they're sung, obviously. I liked the ideas that you were saying but I wondered if maybe the idol reflecting god line was a bit too blunt and blatant. Maybe disguise it a little more? Anyway, nice way to start the piece.

This revelation
Is looking for a way out
But there is no exit
Through this mumbling mouth
I like this a lot. Cool words/ideas and a nice, definite rhythm. Sounds like it could be catchy and a little bouncy almost that might provide an interesting change from the style of the verses.

And I was once convinced my savior
Lived inside the city of angels
Among stars and their godless prayers
But strong frailty is where He dwells
I'm not sure about this one. The "city of angels" thing is just a little too often used and too widely recognized for me. I liked the "godless prayers" line but something about "strong frailty" just doesn't work for me. Maybe it's the awkwardness of saying it or maybe the contrast is just too obvious. I like the idea of what you're trying to say, I just am not sure on the specific words you chose to express it there.

Yet time over time these cloths of lent
Try to wear the heart of seraphim
Let's remove these slavery garments
And cover you in lamb white satin
Nice! But do you mean "clothes"? Sounds better with "clothes" even if you don't, in my opinion. Other than that, I like this and it provides a cool ending.

Nice song dude. Not much for me to critique except for the few little nitpicks I had. Keep it up, and thanks again for the comments.

Cheers,
- PunkFish.
#12
Very nice piece dude.
A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.
#13
This piece is definately amazing. I liked how you mixed up the rhyming with the verses.