#1
I’ve been waiting a long time
For you, this moment to come time
When we, did everything together
And it’s been so long since I have seen a face
That looked at me with no disgrace
Yes I can finally see a face with
Something right for me.

But things started going wrong
And I began to feel the truth
The person that I once new
Was not real YOU
So now I must return to
The life I used to live
Away from you

And I’m sick of the way you say
That you’re just too good for me
It’s all because you’re so stuck up
I can’t believe I never saw but, now it’s finally clear
You need to leave and not come back
And send our live in separate ways
Cuz I know it’s for the best

Because I just don’t want to be
Something else for people to see
Another girl who doesn’t believe in me
So I am done with this, I’m getting out
Ill add you to my scars but
I swear some day I will find a girl She
Won’t be like the rest

And I’ve been waiting a long time
For you, a moment to come time
When I finally find the one who
Cares more about the words and
The people who she loves than
what a best friends thinks or how she looks
She won’t be like all the rest

Because I just don’t want to be
Something else for people to see
Another girl who doesn’t believe in me
So I am done with this, I’m getting out
Ill add you to my scars but
I swear some day I will find a girl. She
Won’t be like the rest
Last edited by RiseAgainstMan at Aug 14, 2007,
#2
As it stands right now, this piece definitely gets your emotions across and many people can relate to the way you feel. However, I really think this piece could use some imagery. In my opinion, songs really have an impact when they paint the listener a picture and take them to another world. For example the line "Something else for people to see" could definitely use some elaboration. What exactly is this "something else"? "Another joke", perhaps? I don't know. But I would definitely think you should talk about specific events that demonstrate the girl's malevolence. It will to create a world the reader can be engrossed. Well, I hope my crit helps and I'm looking forward to reading more from you.

Crit mine please
Strong Frailty
#3
Quote by themarsvolta
As it stands right now, this piece definitely gets your emotions across and many people can relate to the way you feel. However, I really think this piece could use some imagery. In my opinion, songs really have an impact when they paint the listener a picture and take them to another world. For example the line "Something else for people to see" could definitely use some elaboration. What exactly is this "something else"? "Another joke", perhaps? I don't know. But I would definitely think you should talk about specific events that demonstrate the girl's malevolence. It will to create a world the reader can be engrossed. Well, I hope my crit helps and I'm looking forward to reading more from you.

Crit mine please
Strong Frailty


thanks i see ur point ill look at it
i can aloso look at urs
#4
What are you doing? You post 2 in contests and 1 in here. Go delete them. Read the rules before you get a warning.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#5
Pretty nice. I couldn't help but notice the misspelling of knew" and lack of an article in

"The person that I once new
Was not real YOU"

But other than that, it's good. There doesn't seem to be any discernible rhyming scheme, ut it still works. It's a little matter-of-factly, and definitely straightforward, but I suppose that's just a matter of style.

Crit for crit?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=649752
#7
Quote by littledude65
I thought it was a good song, i dont realy have anything bad to say about it, but like vthemarsvolta said, it could use more imagery, but i enjoyed the peice, and this could be a great song.



thanks a lot i am greatful
#8
Quote by yawn
Pretty nice. I couldn't help but notice the misspelling of knew" and lack of an article in

"The person that I once new
Was not real YOU"

But other than that, it's good. There doesn't seem to be any discernible rhyming scheme, ut it still works. It's a little matter-of-factly, and definitely straightforward, but I suppose that's just a matter of style.

Crit for crit?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=649752


thanks a lot for the crit i really appriciate it .....article??
#9
Quote by RiseAgainstMan
thanks a lot for the crit i really appriciate it .....article??

amazing nice job this is awesome