#1
Pureness is so incorruptible, yet so easily it taints.
As do the tingling of the summer wind turn into winter's fray.
For beauties and perfection do themselves forsake.
As do the feather-soft petals curl up into sable, brittle dismay.

Innocence is so homely, yet so defenseless and unsafe.
As do the childish heavens disappear with age.
For sweets and pleasures do eventually fade.
As do the fresh shoots of hairs discolor themselves gray.


That's all I've written for now but it seems a good ending. Any tips?
#2
That's pretty good, I say continue along the line of changes. Crit4Crit? If so my newest one, Leaves of Green.
#3
Pureness is so incorruptible, yet so easily it taint.
perfect
As do the tingling of the summer wind turn into winter's fray.
i would look for a new metaphor for this line, its cliche and it doesn't perform what your previous line states
For beauties and perfection do themselves forsake.
As do the feather-soft petals curl up into sable, brittle dismay.
i can dig it so far

Innocence is so homely, yet so defenseless and unsafe.
right here you are saying that innocence is homely. homely=ugly. the line altogether just doesn't seem to make much sense
As do the childish heavens disappear with age.
yeah, first two lines don't seem to correlate nor do they seem to make sense
For sweets and pleasures do eventually fade.
true dat
As do the fresh shoots of hairs discolor themselves gray.

aight, here are the positives: good vocabulary, nice flow, good imagery, and decent attempts at metaphors.
the negatives: lack of sense in some areas, unclear correlation for the entire piece- i suggest writing more to fix this, and the overall message needs to be conveyed better. work on this stuff and this will be one pretty little piece.
#4
Thanks. So basically I really need to improve on the 2nd line, first verse. And the first 2 lines of the 2nd verse right? I'll try my best. Thanks guys.