#1
Mother,
I'm thinking of you
A stitch upon my coat
A gram of wincing gold
And you know
I think you're sure that you know
That butterflies don't get old
And I'm not so young anymore
Don't forget to forge the fold
What a shame now life's a show
I must appear so in control

Brother,
We'll show them all, alright?
I'm burning books outside
And I've heard what you'll say
And to the walls we'll scrawl
Let's square and let go
Gain a gallant maiden but
This year there's no-one here
Ears to the ground and
Fingers on the pulse of pain
Don't answer with your final breath

Sister,
What's worse than change?
Light and quick restraint
I'm sure you'll understand
What's the use to protest anyway?
One last leaving lament
And we're gone, save the rest
The clocks are running dry
Quiet warmth has faith restored
It's my curse, for what its worth
I count you out and still you count me in


neg crit, pos crit, whatever you feel like, any'd be great.
Last edited by Vilganc at Aug 18, 2007,
#2
oh c'mon guys, crit me and i'll crit you back, need help with refining this thing!
#3
Stanza 1 rhymes too much and the lack of punctuation is totally killing the piece. Some of the lines needs to be rephrased in that.

Stanza 2 some of the lines are forced.

Punctuiate it .
Hi