#1
So this is my second writing in the last two days, also the last year. I couldn't really think of a good title, so what I put isn't a for sure thing, just using it for the moment untill I think of a better one. A little more peaceful then my first piece, like usual, crit for crit, thank you.


"A Dream Not True"

Under the moonlight
Your hair glistens as gold
Resembling the stars that shine
Oh so bright

Beautiful

So perfect

So right

The waves crash against the rocks
You start to ripple
Slowly you fade
As the waves recede
You disappear

Like the stars when the sun rises

You're no longer here
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#3
Really....I didn't find it to cliche, but I'm the one who wrote it so of course I wouldn't think that....Any more crit anymore?
ESP/ltd EC-1000 snow white
ESP/ltd MH-1000NT See Through Blue
Peavey 6505+
Mesa traditional 4x12 (x pattern 2 v30's and 2 g12h30's)
ISP decimator/Tc Electronics Polytune/Ts9 Tubescreamer

Check out my band! www.facebook.com/blackentheskyline
#4
cool, but seems like a sappy poem to me, but its cool, it all depends on how you put the music and what the rhythm is in my opinion.
#5
Might I ask what type of music you're planning to put this to? Or is this just straight poetry?
#6
The music I'm gonna put behind it is just an acoustic guitar, probally some piano, and then the lyrics will pretty much be spoken, kind of like some of the stuff Shawn Mullens does, if you've heard of him.
ESP/ltd EC-1000 snow white
ESP/ltd MH-1000NT See Through Blue
Peavey 6505+
Mesa traditional 4x12 (x pattern 2 v30's and 2 g12h30's)
ISP decimator/Tc Electronics Polytune/Ts9 Tubescreamer

Check out my band! www.facebook.com/blackentheskyline
#7
I actually kinda liked it, it seems like a more relaxed song. I just didn't really like this line: "The waves crash against the rocks"
I feel like I have heard it before, never the less it was good.
#8
I couldn't think of anything else that would fit when I was writing it. If I think of something though I'll post it. Do you have anything you'd like me to crit STZ?
ESP/ltd EC-1000 snow white
ESP/ltd MH-1000NT See Through Blue
Peavey 6505+
Mesa traditional 4x12 (x pattern 2 v30's and 2 g12h30's)
ISP decimator/Tc Electronics Polytune/Ts9 Tubescreamer

Check out my band! www.facebook.com/blackentheskyline
#9
Ah found it at last!! Thanks for the comment on "Dreams".

I like this - it painted a picture - i think that is important.

Perhaps one change could be (same line as STZ's earlier comment);

Waves crashing against the shore
You start to ripple
Slowly you fade
As the waves recede

You disappear


I thought separating out the last line after a pause would sound good.
Quote by philjay
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#10
I liked it, its a little short but its interesting, and pretty. I agree with the above comment about putting a pause in on the last bit, but other than that, nice work.

return crit?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=10390180#post10390180
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#11
Quote by Qazo
Ah found it at last!! Thanks for the comment on "Dreams".

I like this - it painted a picture - i think that is important.

Perhaps one change could be (same line as STZ's earlier comment);

Waves crashing against the shore
You start to ripple
Slowly you fade
As the waves recede

You disappear


I thought separating out the last line after a pause would sound good.


I originally had the pause, but my friend read it and said to get rid of the pause, so I did. Now I think I'm gonna go back to the way I had it.
ESP/ltd EC-1000 snow white
ESP/ltd MH-1000NT See Through Blue
Peavey 6505+
Mesa traditional 4x12 (x pattern 2 v30's and 2 g12h30's)
ISP decimator/Tc Electronics Polytune/Ts9 Tubescreamer

Check out my band! www.facebook.com/blackentheskyline