#1
Hey guys, I've haven't written a song in a while, but I recently felt compelled to because of what a friend is doing. I'm thinking these mostly as verses to a song, and I had the Chevelle song "Well Enough Alone" stuck in my head when I wrote this, so I'll probably go for that type of feel music wise.

[Verse 1]
These walls were painted as mirrors
To show yourself anew
Take this chance with guarded trust
And throw it away again

[Verse 2]
Create more of what you don’t need
This dirty blanket of truth
Foretelling your fate and hastening the fall
You know just how this will end

[Verse 3]
Once again is more than enough
It saps your soul away
This glass of poison can’t stop what you’ve begun
Lamenting your fall to the ground

Any advice would be greatly appreciated! C4C
#4
Its not necessarily cyanide, I was going for the most deadly thing I could think of, and cyanide was the first thing that popped in my head. It's supposed to symbolize something extremely deadly or harmful to us. I'll change it to anthrax just for you, Beowulf, if you want.
#6
These walls were painted as mirrors
To show yourself anew
Take this chance with guarded trust
And throw it away again


Personally I think it would be better if you rhymed last line with anew, but It's good a good flow and nice word choice. Didn't make me go "wow" but it was a pretty good start.

Create more of what you don’t need
This dirty blanket of truth
Foretelling your fate and hastening the fall
You know just how this will end


Again I don't really like the non-rhyme at the end, throws it off a bit for me, but that could be sorted in music and i'm sure alot of people would prefer it that way. Again nice flow and word choice. Like the "Dirty Blanket of Truth" line, why don't you call the song that instead?

Once again is more than enough
It saps your soul away
This glass of poison can’t stop what you’ve begun
Lamenting your fall to the ground


This was my favourite stanza, great imagery and nicely written. Overall it's short but quite a good piece, I liked it man, I'd add more to it If I was you though.

Well done.

Crit myn if you can, "Do You Agree?" (in sig).
Last edited by skagitup at Aug 16, 2007,
#7

Like the "Dirty Blanket of Truth" line, why don't you call the song that instead?


Thats actually a good idea, I think I'll do that. Thanks for the crit, I got to yours.