#1
So here's my third writing in the last three days, I personally like it. Let me know what you think, crit for crit.


"As Sure As Roots Lay Under These Trees"

Fresh rain on the ground
Hands smoother than a cloud
Sunlght reflecting in your hair
Ice cold weather in the air

Like the first time we met
God, I hope it happens like this again

Swings swaying to and frow
Sand inbetween your toes
Waves reaching five feet high
Daylight soon becomes night sky

Like the first time we met
God, I hope it happens like this again

Lying out beneath the stars
Distant honking from distant cars

She's the girl for made for me
As sure as roots lay under these trees

Sweet as pie
Not to talkative
Not to shy
A smile that could warm any heart
A good listener
And very smart

She's the girl made for me
As sure as roots lay under these trees
ESP/ltd EC-1000 snow white
ESP/ltd MH-1000NT See Through Blue
Peavey 6505+
Mesa traditional 4x12 (x pattern 2 v30's and 2 g12h30's)
ISP decimator/Tc Electronics Polytune/Ts9 Tubescreamer

Check out my band! www.facebook.com/blackentheskyline
#2
i think the
'as sure as these...' is an awesome line but a lot of the imagery and descriptions in this piece don't live up to that line.

Sweet as pie
Not to talkative
Not to shy
A smile that could warm any heart
A good listener
And very smart

i believe that is by far the least appealing part of the piece. it seems like you ran out of ways to describe her to you turned to old cliche descriptions. 'sweet as pie' is way over the top and comparing a girl to food, even something like pie, is never good. it makes for a poor line i'd say 99% of the time. if i was the writer in this piece i would definitely go to this stanza and try my best to just start all over with it in a new direction.

another obvious flaw would be the rhyming. though it makes this piece flow and keeps standard with the standard love songs, it shouldn't really have to. the rhymes here are pretty uncreative and instead of you saying what you really wanted to say about the girl, you were saying it while trying to find a word to rhyme with the next, which severely limits what you can actually say because not that many interesting words are going to rhyme with each other, where as if some of the lines were freeverse, then your possibilities for what you could say would be endless.

i think this is a solid piece and you should keep trying to build around the one line i pointed out earlier, or the title i guess, whatever.

6/10
#3
I find it to be an ok piece (not a fan of rhyming)
could be better.

the part

Sweet as pie
Not to talkative
Not to shy
A smile that could warm any heart
A good listener
And very smart


that to me took away from the flow of the work.
I say work on that part and make it.. not jump I guess is what I'm trying to say.
it has potential to be good in my opinion.
A painter paints pictures on canvas. But musicians paint their pictures on silence.
#4
Quote by guitarman1507
So here's my third writing in the last three days, I personally like it. Let me know what you think, crit for crit.


"As Sure As Roots Lay Under These Trees"

Fresh rain on the ground
Hands smoother than a cloud
Sunlght reflecting in your hair
Ice cold weather in the air

i like this line here. its slimple, but elegant. no problem for me

Like the first time we met
God, I hope it happens like this again

this line i like alot. very expressive. no porblems here.

Swings swaying to and frow
Sand inbetween your toes
Waves reaching five feet high
Daylight soon becomes night sky

this line is nice. i think the first rhyme seems a bit week.

Like the first time we met
God, I hope it happens like this again

Lying out beneath the stars
Distant honking from distant cars

dont like this line. doesnt seem to do anything for the story. and why are they honking anyways?

She's the girl for made for me
As sure as roots lay under these trees

i like this line alot. small grammar error, just as long as you dont sing it, lol

Sweet as pie
Not to talkative
Not to shy
A smile that could warm any heart
A good listener
And very smart

i agree with the others. this part seems very forced, not very original, and it just doesnt add alot. id say go back and scrap it and start again. or not. i think it would be just a fine song without it.

She's the girl made for me
As sure as roots lay under these trees



well there you go. i like it alot. you can find a link to my piece in my sig.
jackson dinky build!

do you live in a country?


pics dude or a vid of you trying to say 'bananaramapancake'
so it comes out brabrabrabwabwa

^about when i came home from the dentist and my face was numb from novacaine.