#1
i dont really have a title yet, this is only verse 1 and chorus... yes some parts were intended to be funny

?

I cant keep going on just like nothing is there,
You look like a pear,
Why dont you care?
I kind of think about it and i dont think its fair,
Theres food everywhere,
Why dont you share?

Shes holding on so tightly,
To somthing she don't need,
This display of affection,
It makes my eyes bleed,
The spiral of destruction,
I see as she walks by,
I hear the rain comming,
Shes got the thunder thighs
#2
I really didnt like this, im sorry because i hate giving negative criticisms but this just left a tacky taste in my mouth. Perhaps if the song werent quite so aggressively provocative i wouldnt feel the need to respond with a criticism such as this. It just comes across as very shallow, narrow minded although the writing is fairly solid if not a victim of forced rhyming at times.

return crit
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=10390180#post10390180
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#3
I've crit this before I think? I seem to remember it, and I still really like it. Love the "you look like a pear" and the "there's food everywhere, why don't you share?" lines.

Second stanza isn't as good, nothing really sticks out as much. The thunder thigh's line i've never been sure about.

I do like it though, "you look like a pear" made me laugh out loud the first time i read it, it's so random
#4
i wouldn't say i'm a songwriting expert in any way shape or form, but i'm gonna put my two pennies in for good measure.
the 1st stanza just seems to be over-filled with rhymes - if the whole song made a feature of this then maybe it could work, but right now it doesn't really seem to
on the other hand, the conversational style is something that i do like: 'I kind of think about it and i don't think its fair'. i also like the way you've given the stanza a structure with the two questions
the 2nd stanza has some problems for me too though. rhyming 'she don't need' with 'makes my eyes bleed' means that you sacrifice the conversational style i mentioned early for a (frankly) lame rhyme. then the second half of the stanza kicks in and i like parts of it: 'spiral of destruction' nice if a little cliched; and then the counterpoint of rain and thunder.

overall i'm a little baffled by the meaning - are you jealous of her food? repulsed but attracted at the same time? what?
i guess what i'm saying is there's some good stuff, but not i think with this song. a major overhaul would probably take some basic parts and make a much better song.

crit mine please: sing cricket sing
#5
Quote by skagitup

I do like it though, "you look like a pear" made me laugh out loud the first time i read it, it's so random


I think he is referring to the idea that if someone puts weight on around their middle, bottom and thighs they are referred to as "pear shaped"
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#6
Quote by damn-right!
I think he is referring to the idea that if someone puts weight on around their middle, bottom and thighs they are referred to as "pear shaped"


Yeah, I would of guessed, but it's still pretty random (I hate using that word, but that's all I can think of, it's early.. ) when you first read it.

I couldn't possibly give a scientific explanation of what in the line made me laugh, it just did
#7
Dude thats the best song i've seen posted here, i was amused and intrigued by the title and wasn't let down by the lyrics, good work, lmao
#8
HAHAHA!
I love reading the comical lyrics on this forum, especially when there as well done is this.
no problems witht the writing really, but the content, wow. was good lol.
actually made me lol a couple times, espesially "I hear the rain comming,
Shes got the thunder thighs" great ending. also the fwhy dont you share. awsome.
Sry i cant be much help but i dont think this needs any at all, but if you can crit my new one, "who made you king" thad be awsome, no ones even touched it yet kk peaice