#1
Here goes nothing..i might change the title but for now i don't care too much. please crit.

Humans

I walk outside through the green fields
I see nature at its best
Birds of prey circle above
A rabbit laying rest

Though primitive and soul-less
These creatures they may be
I don’t see poison in there eyes,
not like you and me

(chorus)
Humans! We take joy in our greed
Our souls are damned to rot
Demons! We’ve given them our world
They’re stealing life from every child
Tearing us apart

Us humans we are cunning,
deceitful and corrupt
We feast on lies and fight for pride
and fill only our own cup

Abandoning the innocent
Defend the guilty man
This is the world I often see
Let’s change it if we can

(chorus)
Humans! We take joy in our greed
Our souls are damned to rot
Demons! We’ve given them our world
They’re stealing life from every child
Tearing us apart

(bridge)
Can’t you see the devil’s twisted smile
On the faces of your neighbor?
Or the evil glare of Lucifer
In the pupils of your friend?


There it is...please tell me what you think. Thanks!

edit: I edited the chorus and changed a few lines in the first and second stanzas.
nothing to see here
Last edited by Seiko-Unleashed at Aug 18, 2007,
#2
kk im not gonna do a FULL crit cause alot of it i have no prob with but here are some of the things i suggest.

For the chorus:
Humans! We take joy in our greed
Humans! Our souls are damned to rot
Demons! We’ve given them our world
Demons! They’re stealing life from every child
Tearing us apart


im not into the punk like chant (or thats how i interpret it) of one word and it sounds just as good if not better with out it so id say scrap it.
and...
there seems to be on to many lines in the chorus almost and its sorta hindering the flow.
We take joy in our greed
Our souls are damned to rot
Demons stealing from us humans
The're tearing us apart.

yes, no, i unno, to me flows a bit better, but its up to your disgression.

as for the verses ive read through them and i think they are all really well written, however i think that the first on is kinda week compared to the others and it does NOT do this peice justice at the begining. The 3rd verse and the bridge are brilliant and have great imagry, but you would never know it from the first verse. so i suggest you do something about that.
other then that i think with a small bit of work this could be a really really good peice.

sory its not a full crit, but if you could check out mine (who made you king) id really apriciate it, and if you give that a crit ill check out some of your other peices.
thanks
#3
yea, rage pretty much covered it, but I think the shouted part sounds good, but instead possibly do it like such:

Humans! We take joy in our greed
Our souls are damned to rot
Demons! We’ve given them our world
They’re stealing life from every child
Tearing us apart

i don't know, it sorta sounds better that way to me

I'm not gonna ask for a crit cause i didn't help much, but if ya feel like it
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=653239
#4
Alot of my issues are already adressed, but I think the "eagles soaring high above" line is a little cliche and distracts from the general tone of the rest of it.

Also, the "they may be naturally" line left an odd taste in my mouth. It just seemed to hang there. But probably just personal prefference.

Nice work, though. I love the idea of comparing human morality to the natural world.
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#5
i had definitey planned on changing the first verse a little bit after reading it because i agree, i just doesn't fit the way it is now. And I think i will change the chorus actually, i'm not sure exactly how quite yet though. Thanks for the crits!
PS Rage, my other pieces ar extremely old but if you'd like you can check them out I guess. I totally forgot how to change my sig that's why they're still in it lol.
nothing to see here
Last edited by Seiko-Unleashed at Aug 18, 2007,
#6
I really like all the verses, great imagery. But the chorus doesn't seem to have any flow at all, great idea, but maybe it's just the way i'm trying to sing it.
If I were you I'd make a new chorus.
Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe.
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